Trying Yet Again

After our miscarriage in July 2020 we continued to try for a third baby.  I began tracking my cycles via basal body temperature.  Every morning prior to moving/getting out of bed I would check my temperature and chart it.  After a month I was excited to see a pattern of ovulation and a biphasic temperature shift.  Woohoo maybe I am ovulating consistently.  My cycles ranged from 31-34 days, on the longer side but still having consistent 13 day luteal phases (period of time after ovulation).  

Basal Body Temperature (Biphasic)

We continued trying for a few months this way but were starting to feel like we weren't getting anywhere and I wondered if we would need a little more assistance.  I reached out to Dr. Friesen to do a progesterone check  a few days after what I thought was ovulation to confirm it occurred and thankfully it came back at 14.4 2/5/21. That cycle ended up resulting in a negative pregnancy test.

We decided to try a medicated cycle of Clomid 5mg cycle day 5-9.  We did an ultrasound to see how the follicles were growing on February 26th, it showed multiple follicles 14.2 mm, 12.8 mm, 12.2 mm, 9.3 mm, and lining at 8.52 mm on cycle day 13. They were growing but not quite mature for ovulation, we decided to wait a few more days prior to triggering ovulation and I continued checking ovulation kit at home to watch for a LH surge.  On 3/2/21 we checked an Estradiol level and it was 578.3 (typically each mature follicle will emit 200 , so this meant we had almost 3 mature follicles ready).  Derrick gave me my trigger shot that night. 

Starting 3 days after the trigger shot we began IM shots of progesterone to help supplement.  The two week wait began.  Thankfully I was busy with Vaccination Clinics and we snuck a trip out to Colorado as a family of 4 to do some hiking and quality family time.  Once we returned I tried to wait a few days prior to testing wanting to give as close to 14 days from trigger shot (this is a shot of hcg the pregnancy hormone, testing too early will result in a false positive).  

I took my first test on 3/16 and thought I possibly saw the faintest of lines.  I couldn't quite tell and held it up to all different lights, angles and took another one later in the day.  Since I was fairly certain with the second test I saw something I scheduled a hcg draw for the next morning.  On 3/17 we checked and hcg was 5, progesterone 29.2.  5 seriously?! That is the bare minimum.  I was gutted.  I figured it wasn't super high bc the tests weren't a blazing positive but I was hoping for a better number than 5.  At this point I knew this pregnancy wouldn't end in a positive manner.  We rechecked on 3/19 for doubling times and progesterone was 29.6 hcg 3.  We were experiencing yet another loss.  This time it is called a chemical pregnancy.

Faint positive

We had a chemical pregnancy back when we did FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) prior to conceiving Easton, so we had been well versed in what it meant.  Each of my now 4 losses has been different emotionally.  They have each been different circumstances, different emotional place going into it, different support, different spot spiritually.  They each have sucked, but in a different way.  I didn't know how to feel.  I felt pissed more than anything.  Pissed at the world, pissed at our situation, pissed at the timing, I didn't want to be comforted... I wanted to scream and be ANGRY. 

Since the chemical pregnancy in March, we started another cycle.  This time trying Femara as our oral medication stimulant. We have one dominant follicle this cycle and did a trigger shot to help release it.  I have had more physical discomfort and distention this cycle, but hopefully it is all worth it.  I am keeping myself busy with Vaccination Clinics, the boys, and prepping for a busy Summer.  

I am thankful for my support system of friends, family and co workers.  Certain women in my life that are going through very similar struggles to grow their family offer great support in that they know how it feels.  I like to lean on them and I appreciate their being there for me.  Loss, fertility struggles suck and goodness we need a tribe to help hold us together.  It is so easy to get into your head and feel so alone during this all, but we are NOT alone, we just have to reach out and help normalize talking about it and supporting each other.  

Our Third Miscarriage

 2020 certainly has been a year of many questions, and unknowns.  In early Summer we decided to cancel our family trip to Hawaii due to the global pandemic and the strict guidelines on the islands.  Derrick and I have been hoping to grow our family by one more child and had prayed that it would be a smooth and quick process for us.  

One evening in June as we were getting ready for bed, I insisted that Abby needed a bath because she smelled like she had rolled in something rotten in the yard.  I handed her to Derrick to wash her up and he couldn't smell her gross stench.  He cracked a joke "Are you sure you aren't pregnant Steph?".  For a second I stood there thinking hmmmm what would be the chances our first cycle trying after coming off birth control would we conceive?!? I laughed it off and went to bed.

The next day I got out of work early around 12:30.  I went home to change and took advantage of a quiet house to take a quick pregnancy test I had under the sink.  Holy stinking cow!!! It was positive.  I couldn't believe it!  I called and left a message with the OB office to request labs.  Waiting for Derrick to stop home for lunch seemed to take forever.  I quickly panicked trying to think of a witty way to surprise him.  I placed the test on top of his water pitcher in the fridge and waited for him to grab it at lunch.  Tears, and excitement and pure joy.  

Rainbows the day we found out we were expecting

That afternoon I stopped over to the OB office for labs and hcg was 104 progesterone 15.9. We were elated and decided to tell our parents and my sister/brother in law.  Everyone was so excited and so shocked.  We waited for doubling blood draw 48 hours later where hcg went to 248 and progesterone 17.3.  The weekend was upon us and so we stopped back in a few days later for another blood draw.  

I was not prepared for this one.  I was totally caught off guard.  I just assumed that since we conceived naturally and the first two levels were okay and doubling that we were doing well!  When I got the chime on my phone that the labs were in and saw how minimal my hcg jumped I was soooooo overcome with disappointment and heartbreak (hcg 523 and progesterone 11.6).  I caught Derrick before he left to go back to work from lunch to update him.  

The next few days we spent praying that it was just a slow developing embryo, but in my heart I knew that it was not a good sign.  In the mean time we started IM Progesterone 1mL nightly.  On 7/1/20 I had my levels checked again, progesterone 36.8 (high due to injections) and hcg 596.  Confirmed that we were miscarrying.  We verified that the pregnancy was located in my uterus and spoke with Dr. Friesen to discuss options.  We ended up taking cytotec to help assist my body in passing the embryo.  

Derrick couldn't attend the ultrasound due to COVID precautions

The cramping, physical discomfort and bleeding wasn't as bad as I had thought it might be.  But, the emotional toll made up for it.  I was heartbroken, I felt like our chance and gift from God was taken yet again, and I didn't understand why.  I felt naive for celebrating and telling family so early just to tell them a few days later the bad news.  

On 7/23/20 we had a repeat blood test of hcg to verify it had returned to 0 and thankfully it had, no physical complications from the miscarriage.  We were given the green light to start again when we felt up to it. 

One year... and our rainbow

One year ago I was in a very rough spot.  One year ago I had lost hope.  One year ago I was questioning my faith, God, meaning for my life.  We had just gone through such a trying 3 months of frozen embryo transfers.  A failed FET, a chemical pregnancy and finally our miscarriage at 8 weeks. 

To say this last 365 days has been a whirlwind is an understatement.  After our miscarriage taking time off mentally, physically, financially then to experience a true and utter miracle in March 2017 with the natural conception of our now 6 week old son Easton.  I cannot begin to describe the ups downs and excitement this year has brought us.

Although I am beyond thankful for my newborn son, who is healthy happy and a gift from God, I think about my little baby that was gone too soon last January.  What would that baby be in our lives right now, how would our life be different?  Would that baby look just like Easton does or maybe more like Jackson? 

I sit there at night nursing my rainbow baby boy although exhausted, sleep deprived and in need of a shower and think that one year ago I would have done anything to feel these things.  In the moment now these seem like negatives, things that I look forward to getting better and passing.  But, then I ground myself and think of the countless women who don't get to experience these things, going through heart break month after month that they see only one pink line.  

For those who are just starting, in the midst or just gave up, I don't want to offer you false hope saying "if you just relax" or "when you aren't trying it will happen" because that's bogus, those words don't help they just sting.  I just want to give you a hug, and know that I think of you, I pray for you just as I pray for my baby gone too soon.  I pray for peace in our hearts.

Easton Gordon Hensel

Easton Gordon Hensel

Welcome to the world sweet little baby boy.  Easton Gordon Hensel was born November 18, 2017 at 6:25pm weighing 9 pounds 10 oz, 21.5 inches long grey/blue eyes and lots of dark brown hair. 

We were instantly put skin to skin after birth and held him there until after the first nursing session.  He had a nucal cord (cord around his neck) and needed a bit of crying after delivery to open those lungs up.  He latched on to breastfeed around 45 minutes of life.  After cuddling him, feeding and taking a lot of pictures, we finally put him on the scale and did his measurements.

Once my legs were no longer numb from the epidural we moved up to our post-partum room on 5th floor.  What a joy it was to be on my home unit and surrounded with my lovely co workers.  Seriously they are all the best!  Big brother Jackson, Mom, Dad, Kenzie and Jon were all there to welcome us to our new room and Jackson was so excited to meet his little brother.  He hopped right up into bed with us and wanted to hold him. 

After sending the family home that evening we tried to settle down for a little sleep.  Ha ha yea right... adrenaline from delivery still at a high and excited to see our little man.  Most newborns go through a first 24 hour sleepy stage.  Ours did not.  He wanted to nurse constantly, which I let him go to town as much as possible, but did take advantage of a little 2-3 hour stretch of sleep around midnight having him go to the nursery (thank goodness for that nursery).

The next morning Jackson and my family came back up for Easton's first bath, that Jackson helped me give him.  He wasn't to sure of the crying but was excited to see him again.

Sunday and Monday were spent nursing, trying to nap, eating yummy hospital food, and visiting with friends family and co workers. Monday afternoon we headed home after getting a nap in after the circumcision.  We were excited to be home and get settled with our family of four.

Breathe momma breathe

On Saturday, November 18th we woke up around 8am to start the day.  Our house had been filled with germs from Jackson having a cold and a GI bug the night before, and from a nasty bout of strep, and upper respiratory infection that I had.  I knew the baby could come any day and thought that today was the perfect day to scrub the house of germs while Derrick was home to keep Jackson occupied.  I ate my breakfast and started three loads of laundry and scrubbed the bathrooms, dusted the furniture and mopped the floors.

As I cleaned each bathroom I noticed the braxton hicks I thought I was having started to become a little more painful, more frequent and I thought "hey... I wonder if labor is starting".  After cleaning the house I tried to take a relaxing bubble bath, which turned not so relaxing as the contractions were only getting stronger, at this point they were every 5 minutes and lasting roughly a minute.  I wanted to get myself all showered and cleaned up and finish packing the suitcase.

I snapped this quick picture between contractions to do a comparison of the exact same gestation of my pregnancy with Jackson in 2014, I couldn't believe how far we had made it.

2014                                                                                                     2017

I thought we had a little bit of time considering I had been 2 cm and 60% effaced in the office two days prior, lots of time.... Around 2pm I was contracting every 4 minutes and lasting a minute and definitely strong.  We called my dad and had him come over to sit with a napping Jackson.  Around 2:45pm we arrived at the hospital checking in.  I was excited to see how far we had progressed praying the laboring at home did something.  When they checked I was 4cm and 100%, woohoo progress.  After labs and getting paperwork lined up I was able to get my epidural (praise the Lord and thank you to the awesome Dr. Rawlings for the great epidural).

Thankfully Dr. Friesen was on call for the day and happened to be there for another delivery so he stopped in and broke my water around 4:10pm.  They checked shortly there after and I was 6cm!  I called my sister and told her to make her way to the hospital to come see the birth and take pictures for us.

Around 5:50pm, I felt a lot of pressure and fullness and my wonderful labor nurse Terri checked and I was COMPLETE!  Time to get ready to push.  We did a few practice pushes around 6pm and at 6:15pm Dr. Friesen arrived.  After just 10 minutes of pushing my big beautiful baby boy Easton Gordon came into this world.  Love so much love.

Thank you to my sister McKenzie for taking some amazing pictures for us during the labor and delivery time.  I will spare everyone the really intimate pictures (haha) but I am so thankful to have those memories as the moments pass so quickly.

It's a ...

BOY!!!!

Goodness I was so shocked and surprised.  I still think I am in shock as I was so certain it was girl.  We are over the moon excited though for all that this little man will add to our family.

Team Girl

Team Boy

Big Brother Jackson filling out the questionnaire 

We had our family over on July 10th for a BBQ, and gender reveal.  After quickly eating dinner we headed out to the yard for our big news.  My mom and sister had created an amazing night, topped off with a cute box with the gender correlating balloons inside.  Jackson helped us to open the box and peek inside.  Out popped the big blue balloons!!!

We had been attempting to teach Jackson what the two different colors meant for the balloons.  I think he was mostly excited to play with them after the box opened.  We are so excited to see this little baby in a few months, and look to see if he looks just like his big brother Jackson.  Jackson and baby boy will have so much fun being best buds.

In starting to talk about names Jackson has decided the baby should be named "Dragon".  This little one quickly has a new nickname, until the official name is decided upon. (Girl names are much easier to decide upon than boy names! Wish us luck!)

For now we will enjoy the news and work to get Jackson transitioned into his big boy train room (at the other end of the hall) and then we will begin cleaning/working on the nursery for Dragon.

Gosh.... I am the momma of two boys!?!?




(Thank you to my bestie Andrea Wilkins and sister McKenzie for snapping these pics!)

20 Week Growth Scan

On July 6th, 2018 we went in bright and early at 730 am for our big exciting nerve wrecking growth scan.  Although, we were excited to have the gender of the baby written down from this appointment for a gender reveal party we would have later that week, we were also nervous knowing there are many growth check marks that needed to occur to get our "Healthy and happy" report.

Thankfully, (Praise GOD), baby looked amazing! Baby H was sitting breech the whole time, and did fairly good at showing us its face, arms, legs, and yet again we were able to see that beautiful heart beating.  Now to wait a few more days to have the gender reveal and share the exciting news with our family.