Trying Yet Again

After our miscarriage in July 2020 we continued to try for a third baby.  I began tracking my cycles via basal body temperature.  Every morning prior to moving/getting out of bed I would check my temperature and chart it.  After a month I was excited to see a pattern of ovulation and a biphasic temperature shift.  Woohoo maybe I am ovulating consistently.  My cycles ranged from 31-34 days, on the longer side but still having consistent 13 day luteal phases (period of time after ovulation).  

Basal Body Temperature (Biphasic)

We continued trying for a few months this way but were starting to feel like we weren't getting anywhere and I wondered if we would need a little more assistance.  I reached out to Dr. Friesen to do a progesterone check  a few days after what I thought was ovulation to confirm it occurred and thankfully it came back at 14.4 2/5/21. That cycle ended up resulting in a negative pregnancy test.

We decided to try a medicated cycle of Clomid 5mg cycle day 5-9.  We did an ultrasound to see how the follicles were growing on February 26th, it showed multiple follicles 14.2 mm, 12.8 mm, 12.2 mm, 9.3 mm, and lining at 8.52 mm on cycle day 13. They were growing but not quite mature for ovulation, we decided to wait a few more days prior to triggering ovulation and I continued checking ovulation kit at home to watch for a LH surge.  On 3/2/21 we checked an Estradiol level and it was 578.3 (typically each mature follicle will emit 200 , so this meant we had almost 3 mature follicles ready).  Derrick gave me my trigger shot that night. 

Starting 3 days after the trigger shot we began IM shots of progesterone to help supplement.  The two week wait began.  Thankfully I was busy with Vaccination Clinics and we snuck a trip out to Colorado as a family of 4 to do some hiking and quality family time.  Once we returned I tried to wait a few days prior to testing wanting to give as close to 14 days from trigger shot (this is a shot of hcg the pregnancy hormone, testing too early will result in a false positive).  

I took my first test on 3/16 and thought I possibly saw the faintest of lines.  I couldn't quite tell and held it up to all different lights, angles and took another one later in the day.  Since I was fairly certain with the second test I saw something I scheduled a hcg draw for the next morning.  On 3/17 we checked and hcg was 5, progesterone 29.2.  5 seriously?! That is the bare minimum.  I was gutted.  I figured it wasn't super high bc the tests weren't a blazing positive but I was hoping for a better number than 5.  At this point I knew this pregnancy wouldn't end in a positive manner.  We rechecked on 3/19 for doubling times and progesterone was 29.6 hcg 3.  We were experiencing yet another loss.  This time it is called a chemical pregnancy.

Faint positive

We had a chemical pregnancy back when we did FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) prior to conceiving Easton, so we had been well versed in what it meant.  Each of my now 4 losses has been different emotionally.  They have each been different circumstances, different emotional place going into it, different support, different spot spiritually.  They each have sucked, but in a different way.  I didn't know how to feel.  I felt pissed more than anything.  Pissed at the world, pissed at our situation, pissed at the timing, I didn't want to be comforted... I wanted to scream and be ANGRY. 

Since the chemical pregnancy in March, we started another cycle.  This time trying Femara as our oral medication stimulant. We have one dominant follicle this cycle and did a trigger shot to help release it.  I have had more physical discomfort and distention this cycle, but hopefully it is all worth it.  I am keeping myself busy with Vaccination Clinics, the boys, and prepping for a busy Summer.  

I am thankful for my support system of friends, family and co workers.  Certain women in my life that are going through very similar struggles to grow their family offer great support in that they know how it feels.  I like to lean on them and I appreciate their being there for me.  Loss, fertility struggles suck and goodness we need a tribe to help hold us together.  It is so easy to get into your head and feel so alone during this all, but we are NOT alone, we just have to reach out and help normalize talking about it and supporting each other.  

Our Third Miscarriage

 2020 certainly has been a year of many questions, and unknowns.  In early Summer we decided to cancel our family trip to Hawaii due to the global pandemic and the strict guidelines on the islands.  Derrick and I have been hoping to grow our family by one more child and had prayed that it would be a smooth and quick process for us.  

One evening in June as we were getting ready for bed, I insisted that Abby needed a bath because she smelled like she had rolled in something rotten in the yard.  I handed her to Derrick to wash her up and he couldn't smell her gross stench.  He cracked a joke "Are you sure you aren't pregnant Steph?".  For a second I stood there thinking hmmmm what would be the chances our first cycle trying after coming off birth control would we conceive?!? I laughed it off and went to bed.

The next day I got out of work early around 12:30.  I went home to change and took advantage of a quiet house to take a quick pregnancy test I had under the sink.  Holy stinking cow!!! It was positive.  I couldn't believe it!  I called and left a message with the OB office to request labs.  Waiting for Derrick to stop home for lunch seemed to take forever.  I quickly panicked trying to think of a witty way to surprise him.  I placed the test on top of his water pitcher in the fridge and waited for him to grab it at lunch.  Tears, and excitement and pure joy.  

Rainbows the day we found out we were expecting

That afternoon I stopped over to the OB office for labs and hcg was 104 progesterone 15.9. We were elated and decided to tell our parents and my sister/brother in law.  Everyone was so excited and so shocked.  We waited for doubling blood draw 48 hours later where hcg went to 248 and progesterone 17.3.  The weekend was upon us and so we stopped back in a few days later for another blood draw.  

I was not prepared for this one.  I was totally caught off guard.  I just assumed that since we conceived naturally and the first two levels were okay and doubling that we were doing well!  When I got the chime on my phone that the labs were in and saw how minimal my hcg jumped I was soooooo overcome with disappointment and heartbreak (hcg 523 and progesterone 11.6).  I caught Derrick before he left to go back to work from lunch to update him.  

The next few days we spent praying that it was just a slow developing embryo, but in my heart I knew that it was not a good sign.  In the mean time we started IM Progesterone 1mL nightly.  On 7/1/20 I had my levels checked again, progesterone 36.8 (high due to injections) and hcg 596.  Confirmed that we were miscarrying.  We verified that the pregnancy was located in my uterus and spoke with Dr. Friesen to discuss options.  We ended up taking cytotec to help assist my body in passing the embryo.  

Derrick couldn't attend the ultrasound due to COVID precautions

The cramping, physical discomfort and bleeding wasn't as bad as I had thought it might be.  But, the emotional toll made up for it.  I was heartbroken, I felt like our chance and gift from God was taken yet again, and I didn't understand why.  I felt naive for celebrating and telling family so early just to tell them a few days later the bad news.  

On 7/23/20 we had a repeat blood test of hcg to verify it had returned to 0 and thankfully it had, no physical complications from the miscarriage.  We were given the green light to start again when we felt up to it.