It's a ...

BOY!!!!

Goodness I was so shocked and surprised.  I still think I am in shock as I was so certain it was girl.  We are over the moon excited though for all that this little man will add to our family.

Team Girl

Team Boy

Big Brother Jackson filling out the questionnaire 

We had our family over on July 10th for a BBQ, and gender reveal.  After quickly eating dinner we headed out to the yard for our big news.  My mom and sister had created an amazing night, topped off with a cute box with the gender correlating balloons inside.  Jackson helped us to open the box and peek inside.  Out popped the big blue balloons!!!

We had been attempting to teach Jackson what the two different colors meant for the balloons.  I think he was mostly excited to play with them after the box opened.  We are so excited to see this little baby in a few months, and look to see if he looks just like his big brother Jackson.  Jackson and baby boy will have so much fun being best buds.

In starting to talk about names Jackson has decided the baby should be named "Dragon".  This little one quickly has a new nickname, until the official name is decided upon. (Girl names are much easier to decide upon than boy names! Wish us luck!)

For now we will enjoy the news and work to get Jackson transitioned into his big boy train room (at the other end of the hall) and then we will begin cleaning/working on the nursery for Dragon.

Gosh.... I am the momma of two boys!?!?




(Thank you to my bestie Andrea Wilkins and sister McKenzie for snapping these pics!)

20 Week Growth Scan

On July 6th, 2018 we went in bright and early at 730 am for our big exciting nerve wrecking growth scan.  Although, we were excited to have the gender of the baby written down from this appointment for a gender reveal party we would have later that week, we were also nervous knowing there are many growth check marks that needed to occur to get our "Healthy and happy" report.

Thankfully, (Praise GOD), baby looked amazing! Baby H was sitting breech the whole time, and did fairly good at showing us its face, arms, legs, and yet again we were able to see that beautiful heart beating.  Now to wait a few more days to have the gender reveal and share the exciting news with our family.

Watching miracle baby grow

March 27th we went to Omaha to see Dr. Maud for another ultrasound and labs.  Thankfully the bleeding stopped after only 10 hours. On ultrasound we saw the most amazing sight, not only our little baby (fetal pole CRL: 0.20cm at 5 weeks 5 days), but we saw the first flickers of the heart beat.  What a sight...

Hcg was at 8,900, Progesterone 39, Estrogen 439, life was good.  The were able to see the bleed on the ultrasound and confirmed that it had clotted off and would absorb into my body.  Thankfully that scary part was over, so I prayed.

5 weeks 5 days

Two weeks later we went back to Dr. Maud in Omaha for another growth ultrasound and labwork.  Baby had grown right on track with CRL at 1.40cm and Hcg 73,474.  We were able to hear baby's heart beat for the first time and fell even more in love with the baby.  Gosh was this baby really going to stick and stay.  The thoughts of our last miscarriage still too fresh, I tried to keep myself from that dark hole of what-if's but sometimes it got the best of me.

7 weeks 5 days

Our final ultrasound in Omaha occurred two weeks later on April 24th, praise the Lord the baby looked great again.  Baby's length was 3.06cm CRL baby's heart rate was beating nice and strong at 171.  My labs still looked great so they took us off the progesterone shots and released us to Dr. Friesen in Lincoln.  We now wait for our next appointment with Friesen on May 22nd.  It will seem like forever away.

Last progesterone IM shot!! Woohoo

9 weeks 5 days

Subchorionic Hemorrhage- Scary Stuff

Two days after our positive pregnancy test we had our first official blood work drawn.  Goodness were they beautiful numbers.  Hcg 876, Progesterone 47, Estrogen 456.  Wowza we were definitely pregnant. They continued me on the progesterone shots and said to come in the following week for our first ultrasound.  After a minor freak out on my behalf trying to figure out if that Hcg was high enough for how far pregnant I thought I was, I calmed myself down and tried to enjoy the thought of this pregnancy lasting.

Later that week while at work I stood up from charting and had a gush of blood.  My heart sank.  I thought for sure along with the moderate cramping I was having I was miscarrying... again.  I was sent home from work and Dr. Friesen's office was able to squeeze me in for a ultrasound, blood work and exam.  After seeing Dr. Friesen and having the ultrasound I felt a little more comfortable and understood that what was happening was a Subchorionic Hemorrhage.  You can read more about a Subchorionic Hemorrhage here : Medscape , in a nutshell this type of bleeding is formed when a collection of blood forms while the placenta is attaching in early pregnancy.  In some women the blood is absorbed and is never noted, on other women they bleed.  It is a fairly normal finding as long as the positioning of baby is okay, and the bleeding slows/stops. 

They sent me home that day and told me to lay on the couch, no lifting Jackson, and drink lots of water.  So I did just that....

That afternoon the nurse called with my Hcg results 3849, Progesterone 47.  Ultrasound showed a Gestational Sac, and a Yolk Sac but no fetal pole yet.  We were still just a little too early at roughly 5 weeks 2 days.  Dr. Maud still wanted me to come to Omaha the following Monday to check in with them, so we took the weekend easy and tried to not get my hopes up of seeing a little baby come the next ultrasound.

Written March 24th, 2017

Gestational sac, yolk sac in the inside

Surprise of a Life Time!!

Sometimes things happen when you least expect them.  For reasons I will never completely understand, we received the surprise and gift of a life time this March...

During our break from IVF we continued to try naturally watching my irregular cycles, attempting to predict when I might ovulate and hoping for the best but expecting the worst.  After my D&C I didn't know what to expect with my cycles, I still continued taking my Metformin and Prenatal vitamin hoping it would get me to be regular.  Fast forward a few weeks and I noticed that my sense of smell was increasing, my breasts were more sensitive and I was having cramping.  I remember being pissed, thinking that my body was giving me all of these signs of pregnancy as a MEAN and CRUEL joke... I couldn't be pregnant, the chances were slim to none, especially after the winter we had.

I kept waiting as the week went on, telling myself I would test by Saturday if still no signs of my period starting.  I snuck into the bathroom before we got up for the day and peed on the dreaded pregnancy test.  Turned my head not wanting to see the stark white of a negative yet again, but then BOOM two pink lines!!! What?! Is this real?! I'm pregnant.....

I came out of the bathroom head spinning, hands shaking and unsure of what todo.. I had never been pregnant naturally.  I went downstairs to call Dr. Maud's office in Omaha to see if they wanted to follow me or Dr. Friesen in Lincoln.  They said with my history that I am of higher risk in the first trimester so they would follow me closely.  They started me on my progesterone shots again, and have me coming in for lab work (HCG, Progesterone, Estrogen levels) in two days.

I am over the moon excited for this blessing.  I cannot believe that we get to have another baby and so unexpectedly.  I am still in shock.  I am nervous for the next few weeks, hoping that my blood work comes back nice and high and that our ultrasounds look normal and beautiful.  Hoping and praying we don't go down the same avenue that we did with our last pregnancy of miscarriage.

I cannot simply come to terms that this is our life.  We have such a blessing that is the size of a poppy seed right now.  Wowza we are lucky and blessed.

Written on : March 18th, 2017

"Thy Will"

A friend recently shared this amazingly beautiful song with me that I had to pass along as I have had it on repeat and probably listened to it a good 20-30 times since last night.  The lead singer of Lady Antebellum Hillary Scott wrote this deeply inspiring song after experiencing a miscarriage of her own.  The words can relate to so many experiences, losses, or unanswered prayers throughout life. 

I hope that you will take time to watch and listen to the beautiful words sang, as I am also trying to really listen.  Really open my heart and soul to God. 

When I made our fertility struggles and miscarriage public I felt such a sense of relief that our news was out for our friends, family, co workers to all be aware of.  The thing I was not quite expecting was the private messages from women also going through infertility, also experiencing miscarriages.  Our culture is one in which these topics are kept quiet, not discussed.  Pregnant women often wait until after the first trimester to announce, so if a miscarriage occurs they do not have to tell many people. 

I understand, to each their own... but I wish that this stigma and tradition would stop.  We need to talk about these issues to support one another.  During these life events of infertility and miscarriage is when we need the most support, not to feel more alone.  Whether if you find a few friends or go public please don't face these struggles alone, it is already such a lonesome time that doesn't have to be. I am always here for any and all, even if I don't have answers (obviously don't even have my own answers) but I can be an ear to hear your frustrations, someone to agree and say "This sucks".

Grey Faith

I have to be completely honest to you and myself when writing this, there have been many times that I have questioned God and questioned why this was happening to us.

The questions that go through my head relating to God:

• Why does this have to happen to me?
• Why does God make things difficult for me to conceive a child?
• I feel like I am a good person who tries to do good things, but yet I am punished?
• Why wont God listen to my prayers?
• Why do I feel so alone?
• Why can drug addict mothers have multiple children but yet I struggle to get any?
• Why would God let us suffer and go through such rough times?
• Why would God let us have a baby just to take it away?
• Why does God's hate me?

That's a lot isn't it? It's the truth. These questions that have gone through my head, through my prayers, asking God why and when he will answer our prayers? 

I find it hard to go to work some times and see these moms come through that either didn't want the baby, knowingly did drugs/alcohol while pregnant, abuse their children, and they come through time and time again having more children... more children taken away into the CPS system.  Those are the patients that sting the most and make me question things the most.  WHY do these women get to have children and I do not. 

I know many of these questions I will never know the answer for.  I also know that there are lots of other things of which we cannot explain (cancer, childhood illness, car accidents, terrorism, etc..) but for now I question the fertility portion. And, I'm still at a loss of words.

I don't know if this makes me a weaker Christian because I have these questions. I try to remain positive and try to say my prayers, and praises to God.  But I have to say.... Sometimes its HARD.

I try to follow religious people on social media to surround myself on all sides with the words of God.  There is a part of me yet that wonders why there is this bad for such good people. I read blogs, and forums of other women going through what we are to gain support. I have friends/co-workers who so graciously provide me with books to read and bible verses to ponder. 

I am a work in progress and trying to hold on to my faith in God, that someday his reasons will shine through. I pray that he has a plan for me, but I don't understand why his plan had to include our journey of infertility, of a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage and still the unknown if we will have another child.

I know that God is real.  I know that heaven is real. Sometimes there is no black and white... sometimes all I can see is grey.  Grey is not comforting.

Beautiful Gifts

We have the absolute best friends, family, co-workers.  We have from the beginning felt so much love, and support.  We are so appreciative for all that you guys have given us, from prayers, well wishes, and asking how things are going.

We thank you for the beautiful flowers, momma relaxing items, dinners and prayers.  We feel so loved.  We have also received the most beautiful book from my parents entitled 'Mommy, Please Don't Cry' by Linda Deymaz.  I have to admit the night that we got it, Derrick and I sat down to look at it we couldn't get past the second page, the emotions were too raw.  The words spoke too true to our hearts.  I couldn't handle it.

After a few days, I was able to get the book back out and made my way through the pages that comforted my soul.  I would highly suggest this book for a family that experiences a miscarriage or loss of a child.  I believe my parents found it at a local religious store called Gloria Deo their link is here: Gloria Deo .  There is a lovely journal section in the back of the book to write down prayers, thoughts, dreams that you had for the baby, that later I can reflect on.

I also feel like one of the things that we were given at the hospital on the day of our D&C.  The hospital gives out a beautiful golden baby ring.  The ring is so tiny.  I put it on my necklace that holds a charm that Derrick gave me when we had Jackson.  Now I have my two babies together close to my heart.  This ring will always be a special reminder of our baby.

Our baby will be buried this coming October at Lincoln Memorial Cemetery in a special area called baby land.

Time off

Well the last 4 months have been a crazy whirlwind of a time.  We have had about as much as we can process and take for now.  Thankfully, we can move at our own pace.

We will be taking roughly six months off of fertility treatments and IVF.  We need time to recover emotionally and financially from the last 3 rounds of FET.  We hope to in this time center ourselves again and find the positivity to go forward.  I hope to find my complete strength and faith in God during this time.  I struggle with my faith during these hard times. More on that later...

In the mean time, we will discuss with Dr. Maud her suggestions with doing some testing on our remaining embryos.  We have 6 remaining embryos in Omaha and ideally would like 1-2 more children.  With transferring 2 embryos at a time that would mean 3 more transfers before needing a fresh IVF cycle again. 

http://blog.drmalpani.com/2014/08/pgs-preimplantation-genetic-screening.html

The genetic testing that we are looking into doing is call PGS (Pre-Implantation Genetic Screening), there is really wonderful information and a video that explains the amazing process that they go through to test our embryos.  This screening would let us know if our remaining embryos are genetically normal and would therefore yield a higher success rate for pregnancy and hopefully diminish our chances of miscarriage or no implantation. 

Preimplantation Genetic Screening Preimplanation Genetic Screening

Unfortunately, the embryo's do run risks by being thawed-frozen, then re-thawed when we use them for a transfer.  However, we will have to roll the dice somewhere... This whole process is such a risk and gamble, we just pray we are making the right choices.

Typically, this screening would be done on fresh embryos from a fresh IVF cycle, and not ones that have already been frozen, however our clinic didn't do this screening back when we did our fresh IVF cycle over 3 years ago.

My HCG lab came back today as 20. So it has gone down quite a bit since our D&C which is good.  For now we will continue to decide what we will want to do with screening for our embryos and possibly do that over the next 2-3 months.  Hopefully good news from them. 

Cost for PGS screening for our 6 embryo's: $1,900

D&C

After finding out that our baby was no longer with us we knew there were two options for how to proceed.  We could either wait and pass the baby at home on our own.  Or, we could have a surgical procedure called a D&C (Dilation and Curettage).  We talked with both of our physicians (Dr. Oakes, and Dr. Friesen) and spoke about the pro's and con's for each with our specific situation.  We decided that a D&C would be the best option for us.  This whole topic is a bit rough and I really don't want to offend anyone when I talk about this.  I know that some of you might be very against this procedure and would rather pass the baby naturally, and that is 100% okay, which ever you decide just as I have said before make sure you make an informed choice.

Mayo Clinic- D&C

I called and made an appointment for surgery with Dr. Friesen for Friday January 6th.  We decided to do the surgery in Lincoln as it is much cheaper with insurance.

Friday morning we got up bright and early at 4:15AM and went to the hospital and got checked in around 5:00AM.  The nurse went through some questions on my medical history, medication history, and did her absolute best to be sympathetic to the reason we were there.  The nurse came in to start my IV, and lab came in to draw 3 tubes of blood, thank goodness I have great veins.

Both the anesthesiologist and Dr. Friesen stopped in to talk and go over some questions and hear our history.  Then around 6:45AM they wheeled me back to the OR.  I hated this part because I had to take out my contacts and I am blind as a bat, and couldn't make out a single persons face.  Once we got into the OR my nurse introduced me to the other surgical nurses and personnel in the room.  I slid over to the OR bed and laid back as they hooked me up to monitors, and put some "feel good" medication through my IV.  At that time the anesthesiologist put a mask over my face and out I went.

I woke up maybe 30-40 minutes later to the PACU nurse rubbing my shoulder saying "how are you feeling Stephanie".  I thankfully didn't have any nausea and no pain (Thanks to some zofran and toradol through my IV).  After waking up a tiny bit more in the PACU they wheeled me back into my outpatient surgery room where Derrick was waiting.  I continued to drift in and out of sleep while the nurse came in to monitor my blood pressure and any bleeding I was having along with any pain.

After about 90 minutes I felt a little more awake.  I still wasn't having any pain, or nausea and minimal bleeding.  Once I felt a little better I was asked to get up to try to use the bathroom, once I could urinate I was able to get dressed and ready to head home.  The nurse again came in to go over dismissal instructions, medications, follow up appointments, and what to expect.

Overall the staff did a wonderful job of allowing us space to breathe and process together, but yet were available to answer questions and let us know that we were being cared for.  We went home and spent the rest of the day resting, sleeping, and watching movies.

Emotionally during my time at the hospital I tried my hardest to keep it together, to not show the hurt and scared side of my heart.  It wasn't until close before we went back for surgery that I broke down.  Derrick and I yet again found ourselves tangled together holding each other, crying, praying, and sharing one of the worst two days of our lives.

The end of our rollercoaster

This whole third round of our FET has been one of the most extreme roller coasters I have ever been on.  We would have extreme great news followed by devastating news.  I felt constantly worn down and at the end of what I could take but then somehow I would muster up excitement and hope for our next blood draw/ultrasound/medication. 

I sit here now feeling lost.  Feeling like I don't know which way is up, like I am suffocating from all of the hopes and dreams that are now gone.  Although this little baby was only with us for a few weeks it was our baby, it was loved.  There are many questions I have, many questions that will go unanswered until someday when I too go to heaven.  I will never know if our baby was a boy or a girl, I will never know why this little one was taken from us, I wont know what this little one would have done in life, what sports it would have played, what our life would have been like as a family of four with this little one completing us. 

There are so many other women that go through this terrible thing of losing a baby, no matter at what stage of the baby's life the thing that connects us all is the grief.  The hopes and the dreams we had for our children that were taken away.  I don't want to keep my grief and my baby quiet and from the world, because even though baby was only with us for a short while it was my baby... My baby mattered.  I had always thought of blogging or journal about our infertility journey not so much to share with the world but as a way for me to process everything, and to have a long standing journal that I can look back on someday when I am a infertility survivor. 

I find myself thinking of how my life is now changed and altered, I cry over the things that I shouldn't be allowed to do.  I cry when I drink a beer now, or have a cup of coffee, I cry when I think of traveling to a friends wedding minus my growing bump that I was excited for.  I cry when I don't get to take my estrogen and progesterone... I cry over not getting a shot in my butt every night. I cry when I see the beautiful picture on my fridge of my 5 day embryo, I cry when I see the I'm a Big Brother book that we gave to Jackson.  I know that as the days go on these things wont make me feel as sad, I wont have the guilt when I drink my cup of coffee or have a glass of wine, but for now I feel sad. 

I find myself staring off frequently, just lost within my own mind thinking of what the last 8 weeks have brought us.  I loved this baby, I planned for this baby, I prayed for this baby and now my baby is in a different place not with me but with Jesus.  I am thankful that my baby is in such a beautiful place where there is no pain, there is no darkness and that love and light are all around him/her, but I am mad that I don't get to have my baby with me.  Someday I will rock my baby, and hold and kiss it until then I will have to remember what I can about our short time together.

After we found out that we had lost the baby I knew that our best option for myself was to have  D&C, but I found myself wanting to push it off.  I felt torn, part of me was sickened by the thought of having my dead baby inside of my womb, but then a large part of me felt protective.  I didn't want surgery to come and separate us.  I held my tummy, talking to it, praying for it that knew our love, and that I would forever be its mommy.  I now feel hallow, I feel like my body betrayed me.  I feel broken. My mind, body and spirit are in shambles and I need time.

The longest wait...

We went in on December 22nd for our first ultrasound we were 5 weeks 6 days and would get to see our baby for the first time!  My hcg was 3562 at this point and baby measured a small .16cm. The baby's heart was within 48 hours of developing and so we scheduled an ultrasound for the following week to see the baby's beautiful heart beat.

5 Weeks 6 Days

On December 29th we went in for our 6 week 6 day ultrasound and saw the most beautiful amazing sight, our baby's heart beat.  My labs were estrogen 406, progesterone 26, hcg 7407. The baby measured only .48cm.  We initially left the appointment feeling happy and again on cloud 9 that we saw the heart beat, baby was beautiful and growing.  An hour later I got a call from Dr. Maud herself (Usually it is the nurse we speak with). Her first words to me were "I don't like how this baby is looking", she went on to tell us things didn't look normal.  The baby should be much bigger than it was, and the hcg should be much higher than it was.  Although we saw a heart beat she didn't have a good feeling that the pregnancy would progress normally.  Her inclinations was that it was either a chromosomal issue again, or it was a insufficient placenta.  We were told there wasn't much we could do at the moment besides wait and see what the next week brought.

6 Weeks 6 Days

The week between these two ultrasounds was so crazy terribly hard.  One of the longest weeks of my life.  I tried my hardest to stay positive, but it was so hard to when I had the doctor who had gone over some pretty terrifying things, and didn't give us much false hope. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before.  I knew in my heart that our chances weren't great for getting positive news, but was trying to hold out for the chance that there would be a miracle, that our baby had a big growth spurt, or that the measurements were wrong the previous week.

One week later on January 5th we went back up for our ultrasound at 7 weeks 6 days.  And I had tried to prepare myself for what we might see/hear but nothing could fully prepare myself.  As I laid there on the ultrasound table, Dr. Oakes one of the other RE (reproductive endocrinologists) came in to do our ultrasound,  we eagerly watched the screen and saw our little baby, I searched the screen for the flicker of the baby's heart beat but there was nothing moving. No flicker. No heartbeat. Our baby had died.

Dr. Oakes said "I am so sorry but your baby didn't make it, there is no heartbeat". And the tears started flowing.  How could this be us? How could this be happening? Why can't things work for us? Why did my baby have to die? I felt like we had been through so much over the past few months with such highs and now we were at our lowest of lows.  After catching my breath we sat there for 15 minutes talking and asking the doctor questions.

After the doctor left the room, we sat there stunned, holding each other, crying, wishing this was just a nightmare.  We had a lot to think about and had to go home to process what our next step would be for the baby that was still inside of me.  I held my tummy, wanting to give all the love I could to this little part of us that just died.

FET# 3

This one has to be our lucky time right? Lucky number 3?! I sure hoped so.  After our chemical pregnancy we stopped our medications immediately and waited for my cycle to start.  Unfortunately it took a while longer because my bleeding didn't really start until my hcg returned back down <5.  On November 14th we rechecked my hcg and it was 3, so we got the green light to start medications for a third time.

November 14-16: Estrogen pills 4mg
November 17-19: Estrogen pills 6mg
November 20-January 5: Estrogen pills 8mg
November 23: Ultrasound 9.8mm thickness
November 26-January 5: Progesterone 1mL IM

The morning of November 30th we got our typical pre-FET call and our embryo's looked good and survived the thaw.  That's right I said EMBRYO's! As in more than one!  We decided this third transfer to thaw and transfer two, knowing that it could increase our chances of one implanting.  The prior two transfers we had only transferred one knowing that Jackson's round he stuck and was the only embryo, and so we went with that mentality.

FET#3 2 of our 5 day Blastocysts

Once we got to Omaha everything went just the same as the other two rounds, we felt relaxed and somehow mustered up hope for these two little embryos that they would implant and become our little babies.  After the transfer we came home and took it easy for the rest of the day, Derrick went back to work that afternoon because they had a lot of big projects that were all coming due around the same time.

During our two week wait I really felt about the same as the other two transfers.  So I yet again tried to not read into any symptoms that I was having.  I tried my hardest to remain positive and pray for these little embryos.  We thankfully had a lot of our friends, family and co-workers praying for us which I really think helped us, and comforted us to know that we had all of the extra prayers.

On December 8th, Jackson and I went to the lab and had my blood work done. I brought our folded piece of paper home for Derrick and I to open together.  We opened it over lunch and it was 39... I felt so depressed and worried, it seemed low and I was so sure that it was going to be another Chemical Pregnancy just like the previous cycle.  But after speaking with the nurse she assured me that it is a good number to start at with a frozen cycle and that we do beta testing early at only 8 days after a 5 day transfer (8dp5dt).  The frozen embryos often are lower hcg to begin with and it is all about how the number doubles.  So we waited...

Saturday December 10th we did our second beta and it was 85!! Oh my goodness that number more than doubled! We were so over the moon excited and shocked.  We were official pregnant and everything looked perfect.

FET #2

Well here we go again, we decided to not take time off in between and soon after stopping my estrogen/progesterone from the previous failed FET I started my cycle.  We jumped right back in and started a very similar protocol like we did with the first transfer.

October 10-12: Estrogen 4mg pills
October 13-15: Estrogen 6mg pills
October 16- Nov 9: Estrogen 8mg pills
October 21: Ultrasound lining looks good
October 21-Nov 9: Progesterone 1mL IM

Ultrasound of my uterus thickness 9.22mm

October 25th we got the call in the morning that our one embryo had thawed well.  Up to Omaha we went for our second FET, and everything went as well as it could.  We were excited thinking that this second time we would be safe.  I took things extra slow and easy the few days following.  We had Jackson go to preschool a few extra days so that I could keep my feet up and keep from lifting and chasing him around.  I felt relatively the same as the last cycle with the same symptoms, however this time I tried to not read into it at all knowing it most likely was just the progesterone side effects.

FET #2- 5 day blastocyst

Our first beta hcg test was on November 2nd, I had my labs drawn at Bryan and brought them home for Derrick and I to open over his lunch.  I had told Derrick anything over 5 meant we were pregnant but obviously the higher the better.  Derrick opened the paper and said to me "I hope you have a list of baby names going".  We were so excited but then I saw that the hcg was 48.  This freaked me out knowing that our son Jackson was 78 at this point and that 48 seemed low.  After hearing from Dr. Maud's office they confirmed we were pregnant and that it is all about how the number doubles in 48 hours.  We would have a repeat hcg draw in two days and then we would know how the baby was looking.

I worked Friday the 4th of November, when I went down for the blood draw at Bryan,  I folded it in half and took it to our Women and Children's 1st floor where I found a quiet room to sit in and call Derrick so that I could tell him it as I opened it.  The number was 80.  So it didn't double but it went up.  I immediately wanted to talk to the Doctor but I wanted to not seem to eager so I waited for them to call me.  Later that afternoon they called and we discussed that it could be a slow growing baby and that it just needs some time to take off.  They suggested rechecking our hcg in 5 days on November 9th so we waited the long 5 days, hoping and praying that those numbers would be big and beautiful at the recheck.

Finally the 9th came around, and sadly I was at work again (not the ideal place to be when finding out such crazy emotional provoking information). I went down and had my blood drawn but decided instead of getting the results from the lab that I would wait and have the office call me so that I would keep from driving myself crazy with information I couldn't interpret.  That afternoon Dr. Maud called me and told me sadly the hcg had gone down to 70.  We had lost the baby very early.  It is called a chemical pregnancy or a early term miscarriage.  To learn more about chemical pregnancy's look here: Chemical Pregnancy

We were devastated.  We were so happy to be pregnant just to have the news drawn out, feeling like we were sitting on a ledge not knowing which way we would go.  During that period of time we hoped and prayed and dare I even admit I tried to bargain in my prayers for this little baby, if only God would let us have this little baby.  But for some reason this little baby didn't get to stay with us.  We talked yet again with Dr. Maud and she again thought that the baby had a chromosomal abnormality. We discussed taking a break but in the end all Derrick and I wanted was a baby, we didn't want to wait we wanted one now.  We asked if my body physically could take back to back to back transfers and have just as good of chance, and Dr. Maud said that we would be fine to do whatever we mentally felt okay to do, so we decided to go for it...

FET#2 Cost: Ultrasound $78, Labs $40, FET: $4190, Medication $30

FET #1

For frozen embryo transfers (FET) a baseline ultrasound is not necessary, so once my cycle starts I am able to jump right into estrogen pills to help grow my lining.  So when I started my period on September 14, 2016 we called the office to hear what the plan was for our medications.  Our medication/ultrasound schedule is as follows...

Sept 15-17: Estrogen 4mg pill
Sept 18-20: Estrogen 6mg pill
Sept 21-Oct 8: Estrogen 8 mg pill
Sept 26: Ultrasound to check lining, start progersterone shots 1mL nightly
Sept 26-Oct 8: Progesterone 1mL IM

Progesterone nightly shot

Ultrasound for lining check 

On Friday Sept 30th we were to arrive at 10AM to have my labs drawn and to go back into the surgery patient rooms.  When we pulled into the parking lot I was instructed to take one Valium tab, Valium helps to relax my body along with my uterus which will keep it from becoming irritable from manipulation.

Earlier that morning around 5AM the embryologist along with the help of Dr. Maud pick out one of our best looking embryos to thaw.  They carefully handle and thaw it over a few hours.  We get a call around 8AM with an update saying that our embryo has thawed well and that we are on track for the transfer.

FET#1 5 day blastocyst

Once we get settled and changed into our scrubs/gown we are wheeled back into the OR where they view our beautiful embryo on the TV and pull it up into a catheter and then while I have a very full bladder (this helps to push my uterus into the perfect spot) they insert the catheter and with ultrasound view see the catheter enter my uterus and deposit the embryo.  Afterwards we go back to the surgery patient room and wait flat for one hour.  I laid flat the whole drive back to Lincoln in the back of Derrick's truck, and then stayed on the couch all afternoon/evening.  We had Burger King, super yummy and the same food that I had after my transfer with Jackson.

We then had to wait that dreaded period of time, before we could test.  Throughout my wait I had all of the pregnancy symptoms of vivid dreams, cramping, sore breasts, increase sense of smell.... sadly all of these symptoms can also be a symptoms of the progesterone shots.  MEAN MEAN MEAN.

Our beta hcg test was due to happen the morning of October 8th at Bryan Hospital, however I was also scheduled to work this day.  I didn't want to work and find out either good or bad news that day.  If it was good I wanted to celebrate, if it was bad I didn't want to be surrounded by happy families that just had their own newborns.  So I decided to test early...

I tested Friday October 7th, I laid in bed until I heard the garage door shut and I jumped out of bed once I knew Derrick had gone to work.  I pee'd on the stick and waited to see the beautiful two pink lines... The only thing is the second line never appeared.  I broke down.  Laid in a ball on the floor of our master bathroom in a puddle of tears.  I was in shock, we were so sure that this baby was going to take, but for some reason baby didn't stick.  I called Derrick and gave him the news and updated my parents.

I ended up taking the next day off of work to take my blood hcg test that the office wanted me to take, to verify.  Yet again negative.. HCG <1.

We spoke with the nurse and discussed why the embryo possibly didn't implant, Dr. Maud's opinion was that it was a chromosomal abnormality, that this was a possibility out of all of our embryos that a few could be chromosomal abnormal.  Knowing this, we felt a sense of peace knowing that God wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle, and that maybe this negative although it seemed devastating maybe it was our answered prayer in that if something was seriously wrong with the embryo that it was mean to be with God and not us.  So picked ourselves back up and prepared to move on.

FET costs: Ultrasound $78, FET $4190, Labs $30, Medication $34 (These costs were out of pocket after insurance deductible was met, Insurance doesn't cover the actual FET procedure)

Here we go again... on to baby 2!

After we had Jackson we knew we wanted more children but we weren't sure on a timeline. Throughout my breastfeeding Jackson I didn't get my cycle back until after a year of nursing.  Even when I got it back it wasn't very regular which I attributed to both hormone fluctuation with nursing and my PCOS.  We added a new medication called Metformin 750mg daily on in December 2015 after my Hemoglobin A1C (which looks at your average blood sugar over 3 months) continued to go up from the years prior in to the lower end of pre-diabetes range. More on Hemoglobin A1C here: Mayo Clinic- A1C

Once we started the Metformin my cycles became slightly more normal in that they would range from 35-50 days, still quite long but better than every 8 months.  So we did the for fun baby making, and sadly no pregnancy.  So we decided to start everything back up again with our frozen embryos in Omaha.  This time we kept this all a secret, the only people that knew that we were going to do another round were my parents and Derricks. We wanted to surprise everyone with a baby, little did we know the long process that we would go through again.

My little merman, enjoying the ocean

Family vacation in Hawaii 2016

Paddle boarding in Hawaii

We enjoyed the start of our Summer by going to Hawaii for a family vacation celebrating my parents 35th Wedding Anniversary.  We made a lot of amazing new memories as a family.  It was nice to get to spend time relaxing and taking it easy, knowing that we had busy months a head with getting ready for a frozen transfer. 

July 12, 2016 we went back to Dr. Maud in Omaha for another SHG to check my uterus and fallopian tubes for any changes.  We wanted to make sure it was a favorable environment for the embryo.  We also did pre-screening labs to make sure I was nice and healthy for everything we were about to start. 

Derrick and I are kinda freaks about planning, or shall I say I am for both of us.  I knew that if we tried to do a transfer in August that would give us a May baby and May is busy enough for us between Derricks birthday, Jackson's birthday, my mother in laws birthday, and my birthday.  So we opted to sit out one month and do a round of birth control to calm any cysts that might be there and start in September for a June baby. 

We now just had to wait for my birth control to be done for us to start our process of growing my uterine lining.  Since we already had the embryo's we just had to create a nice plush lining for them to implant and then transfer them similar to the fresh IVF transfer we had done with Jackson.  

More on Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) here : Shady Grove - FET

At this point we were so overly hopeful, we were so confident that this first transfer would take right away and we would go on our happy little way and have a June baby.  Afterall, Jackson had an uphill battle being transferred when my estrogen levels were so high that it made implantation difficult and less likely.  We assumed we had it in the bag.  They say that the success rates for a frozen transfer actually are much higher for a person with PCOS, because my body doesn't have the stress of growing all of the mature follicles. During the weeks leading up I scaled back on alcohol, exercise and caffeine intake. 

Green Poop and Allergies

Jackson was 4 months old when my mom and I were out shopping we stopped to change a quick diaper but it just wasn't normal.  There was blood.  Jackson had blood in his stool and it freaked me out.  Once we got home I called his pediatrician and they had me keep an eye on it for a day or two, to see if it got any better. Sadly it didn't and his stools were quite green and slimy moucousy (gross I know).  We then started testing his stool at the pediatrician office for blood and talked with the doctor and we talked about the possibility of it being MSPI, or Milk Soy Protein Intolerance.  More on MSPI here: Complete Children's Health- MSPI

Typically this would be discovered or have more symptoms prior to him being four months but that is when ours presented.  Jackson wasn't typical fussy, gassy with the intolerance but would have terrible stools and would have eczema on his face from it,  he would also sound congested (which we found was irritation).  We slowly tried to adjust my diet because I was breastfeeding Jackson.  I was willing to adjust my diet with whatever I had to do, but we started easy.  We started eliminating obvious dairy from my diet.  So ice cream, cheese, cream cheese, yogurt, milk, etc was off the plate.  However, we would allow it to remain in if it was baked in.  We didn't have to read labels and just had to wait for it to clear my milk and his system.  Great MSPI Menus here: MSPI Mama

Amazingly it takes roughly 4 weeks for the dairy to clear both his system and my milk. So we waited and tested his stools after we thought it had been long enough.  At 4 weeks there was still a minimal amount in his stools and his stools were still slightly green but looked much improved.  The pediatrician suggested waiting two more weeks to see if it cleared completely or if we needed to eliminate more out of my diet.  Thankfully two weeks later he was clear.

We continued this diet of obvious dairy elimination for the first year of breastfeeding, with doing a trial at 9 months old of dairy in my diet to see how he would respond and sadly back to the bad diapers.  At one year old with instruction from our doctor we trialed diary directly to Jackson. He got hives around his mouth and anywhere that the milk touched.  At this point we went to a local Allergy doctor to have a work up of dairy and eggs.  We had also found that Jackson would get hives when he had scrambled eggs.

At the appointment we found that Jackson was allergic to both dairy and eggs.  We were given an Epi-Pen for him and told to avoid these things in his diet and to continue my obvious dairy elimination diet as long as we were breastfeeding.  We continued breastfeeding until he was two years old.  At which point we went back to the Allergist and tested his dairy allergy and found that he had grown out of the dairy allergy.  He still is mildly allergic to eggs and so we continue to stay away from eggs in his diet.

We feel blessed in all of this that it wasn't worse, we are blessed that he never had a serious reaction.  Allergies are nothing to mess with and I would constantly worry he would get the wrong child's food at daycare, or grab someones plate/drink and have a serious reaction.

We go back to the allergist later this week to test for egg allergy again and I hope that he continues to grow out of the allergies.

Breastfeeding is Amazing

Working in the unit that I do at the hospital, we learn so much about breast milk and the power that it has.  I knew from the beginning that I wanted to breastfeed, and I wanted to make it work for us.  I started hand expressing colostrum at 37-38 weeks and saving it in the freezer until we went in to deliver.  With Jackson being a big baby we ended up needing to supplement, we were able to use my colostrum that I had brought in for that purpose, so that we could avoid formula.  Now at the hospital there is the option to supplement with donor breast milk which is a wonderful thing that they offer, but at the time we delivered this wasn't an option yet.  I wanted to avoid formula supplementation, because even the smallest amount changes the inside of the baby's tummy. (I understand that there are a few specific reasons of why formula would need to be given in the hospital, for prematurity for extra calorie supplementation, however this didn't apply to us.)

To read more on the benefits on Antenatal Expression of Colostrum look here: La Leche UK

To see more information on risks of supplementation of formula look here : Just One Bottle

Even with my knowledge of how to latch a baby and breastfeeding, I was still having difficulty getting Jackson to latch without having some discomfort.  It wasn't terrible but I knew that it was a pain more than just my nipples getting use to having a baby suckling for hours, but a positional thing that we needed to overcome in order to be successful in the long run.  I visited with my fellow Lactation Nurses at Bryan which were very helpful, and I visited a local breastfeeding support office in Lincoln called Milkworks.

I would highly suggest checking out Milkworks or your local breastfeeding support group/ office in your area.  I can't say enough good things about all that they did for us.  Milkworks has scales available for the public to stop in and weight your baby.  I would occasionally go in and weigh Jackson before a feeding, sit down and nurse him there and then re weigh him to see how much he was successfully transferring at breast.  This also helped later on when we started giving bottles so that I knew approximately how much breast milk he would take from me at a feeding.

The lactation consultant worked with me during our appointments to do a weight, and then help me to get Jackson situated, latch him on, and continue with an entire feeding and re weigh.  All while the lactation consultant stayed right at my side, to help to trouble shoot, and answer any questions that popped into my head.  I owe a part of our huge breastfeeding success to Milkworks!

You can visit Milkworks website here to look at their wonderful information or call/stop in to visit with their breastfeeding educators or schedule an appointment.  Plus they have an adorable baby shop attached with the cutest items for baby and mom.  Milkworks

We continued to breastfeed until Jackson's 2nd birthday.  It was such a wonderful experience and I know that we both benefited from it.  

Welcome Jackson Lee

My due date was May 6th, 2014, that afternoon my contractions started slowly building up.  By mid evening I was in labor and having to breathe through contractions.  We stayed at home for a few hours and tried methods like birthing ball, warm shower, music, swaying, breathing, but around midnight we made the treck to the hospital.  The odd ball, money pincher I am we stayed in the truck for about 15 minutes having contractions so that we could wait to check in after midnight.  We checked in and they watched me for a while to see if I continued to progress.  I was 3cm when we checked in at 12AM, over the next few hours we would breathe through contractions and sway back and forth.

Around 3 AM I was able to get my epidural, and then was able to relax and was dilated to 5cm at that point.  We were able to get a little bit of rest as they continued to let my body contract and labor on its own.  Around 6 AM my contractions were slowing down a bit so they added in a little Pitocin to keep the contractions going.  At 7 AM Dr. Friesen came in to break my water and then I was 7cm.  Again around 9 AM they checked me and I was 8cm, at 10 AM I was 9 cm and at 11:30 AM I was 10 cm.  Our nurse started to prepare us for pushing and called the doctor.

Dr. Friesen showed up around 12PM and we started pushing, we pushed for about 20 minutes and Jackson was moving down and was getting closer to deliver, however his heart rate started to dip with my contractions and he was starting to slow down with his decent.  Dr. Friesen made the decision to use forceps to assist with delivery.  I completely trusted his opinion and his decisions to use forceps.  I think it is very important to go to an OB that you trust with your life and the life of your child whole heartedly, and you also trust their partners, since there is a chance your OB wont be available. More on Forcep delivery here: Mayo Clinic- Forceps

Thankfully just a few minutes later Jackson was delivered with forceps with one push.  He had meconium (his stool) in his amniotic fluid so the NICU and respiratory therapists were at the delivery in case he needed more support.  He came out crying, and big and beautiful.  Our Jackson was a big boy at 9 pounds 3 oz, 21 inches long born at 12:41PM on May 7th, 2014.

More on Meconium Aspiration Syndrome and risks of Meconium in amniotic fluid here: Medline Plus

After delivery we delivered the placenta at which time Dr. Friesen found a few clots and a bit more bleeding.  With the blood loss along with the delivery I wasn't feeling very good, I would get light headed and feel like I was going to pass out.  We stayed on L&D for a few hours prior to being transferred up to my post partum room where my co workers were anxiously awaiting.

After getting to post partum our stay went very quickly.  My hemoglobin dropped after delivery due to the blood loss and clots and I felt dizzy when standing so we transfused two units of blood and I felt much better afterwards.  Jackson was wonderful at breastfeeding from the beginning, staying awake for feeds.

I had started hand expressing and saving my colostrum around 37-38 weeks pregnant, I was able to bring 12cc of colostrum into the hospital for us to supplement to Jackson if he had low blood sugars due to his large size.

Two days later we went home and followed up with the pediatrician, although Jackson was nursing good, my milk had not come in yet and his weight was dropping close to 10%.  There was talk of supplementing with formula but I chose to feed more frequently and add pumping to supplement with my own colostrum/breast milk.  Thankfully a day later my milk came in and I had a wonderful supply.

Our delivery was amazing, I loved going in to labor on my own, and there was no greater feeling than meeting my little baby boy that we had worked so hard for.

Grow baby, Grow

The following weeks we went up a few times for ultrasounds to see growth, see the heart beat and see our beautiful baby growing and loving its new home.  The wonderful thing about having IVF is the frequent monitoring after conception.  We went every two weeks for ultrasounds and blood work. At 10 weeks after our ultrasound looked good we were released back to Dr. Friesen in Lincoln.

6 Weeks .26cm crl

8 Weeks 1.66cm crl

10 Weeks 3.21cm crl

Each ultrasound we were looking at the baby to see growth, one of the main signs of good growth is measuring the crown to rump length of the baby.  More on crown to rump length here: Ultrasoundpaedia
At 6 week ultrasound on September 10, 2013 we were able to see the heartbeat, it was still to early to hear anything as the little heart is so tiny but we could see the flicker of the light on the screen.

Our 8 week ultrasound we were able to hear the heartbeat on September 25, 2013.  We were doing well and they allowed us to taper off of our progesterone shots around 10 weeks.

Once we were released back to Dr. Friesen we had a 12 week ultrasound on October 23, 2013.  Our normal OB pregnancy doctors appointment continued and we went on to have a very normal rest of our pregnancy.  We were blessed to have a great smooth pregnancy.

12 Weeks

The Greatest

The two week wait is a really really terrible thing.  It's the longest most excruciating days because you are waiting for life altering news.  The waiting consists of over analyzing every single feeling, things you aren't feeling, every emotion, every hope, every dream that you have for the little baby.  During my two week wait I had cramping, I had sore breasts, I had increase in my sense of smell. I held out and was so strong during the two week wait and refused to pee on a stick because that darn single pink line and I didn't get a long. I didn't want to see that horrible horrible thing, so I boycotted the stick.  The morning of August 27 I went into Bryan Lab to have my hcg drawn, I went bright and early hoping to get results back asap, but the call didn't come.  I waited over lunch still no call, I waited mid afternoon still no call.  Eventually I went back to the Bryan Lab and had them print out my lab value.  I knew I needed a higher number but what exact number I didn't know.

I wanted to save the paper until I was home but for some reason walking down the hall of the Women and Children's tower I opened that white piece of paper.  My eyes searched the letters and numbers for the hcg lab value I needed.  That's when I saw it.... 78! I WAS PREGNANT!! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, is this really happening.  I barely remember my drive home (probably not safe), and then sat and waited at home for Derrick to get home.  I had about two hours to spare so I decided to get dressed up so we could go out to celebrate.

Many months prior (back when I thought this whole getting pregnant thing would be a breeze, haha), I had the same caricature artist who drew our engagement proposal make a baby sketch for me to surprise Derrick with.

Derrick came home and came in the door to the caricature waiting on the counter, with me standing close by with our lab numbers.  Those moments, that look, those tears, made it all worth it.  The sense of relief was incredible.  Derrick and I were parents.  We were going to have a baby.  We spend the rest of the night going around to tell our parents, and close family. We then went to celebrate at Old Chicago for pizza and nachos.

Two days later we had our second beta hcg test and the number came back at 209. It was perfect.  HCG numbers in the beginning of pregnancy has to be greater than 5 to be pregnant but then that number should double every 48 hours.  Ours had done that and more. We were on cloud nine and so in love with the little numbers that were growing quickly. More on hcg and doubling times here: American Pregnancy Association- HCG

Court Jones out of California is who has done our caricatures, he is a very well known caricature artist and does amazing work.  You can check out his page here : Court Jones- Caricatures