As long as I can remember in my adult life, I have suffered from depression, anxiety. While depending on life stages it impacted me differently. Manifested in different ways. I learned how to put on a 'happy face' and function through it. In my quiet moments I was sad, I was scared, I was nervous, I felt like I wasn't happy with myself.
In January of 2020, I had sought help from a mental health provider to be officially diagnosed and start some type of medication to help. I was at a very low point, angered easily, crying spells, worried often. While I was still able to carry a job, maintain the house and get out of bed, I was miserable. I felt my relationships, especially with my husband and my children were suffering and impacted by my mental state. I knew if I continued down that same path, nothing positive would come from it. It pained me to see how low I had let myself get.
Back in early college I had been placed on Lexapro and while I made the negligent decision back then to go off cold turkey and not talk about it, I was determined this time to give it a go and make it better. With the help of my provider I was placed back on Lexapro and told that I had Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I knew those diagnosis were coming and that I needed to prioritize my mental health. My provider suggested I try therapy in conjunction with medication for full benefits. At the time the therapist she recommended and my insurance were going to equate to a very expensive treatment sessions. With impending thoughts of starting to try for another baby summer of 2020, and not knowing what our fertility future looked like financially, I didn't want to also be spending hundreds of dollars monthly in therapy bills. I opted to only do medication at that point.
Fast forward though months of infertility, miscarriages and an emotional roller coaster I came to realize that it had all become too much. And while I was better with my little white pills, I wanted... needed... had to be better. When the thoughts of the world being too heavy, too much to manage, that those around me could be and would be better off without me as a burden creeped into my mind I had to seek help. I am blessed to have the support of friends, family, co workers who all were able to direct me towards finding a therapist that would be the perfect fit. I couldn't be more thankful, happy and blessed to have been connected with Jolie Vega at Seasons Mental Wellness P.C.
In June of 2021, I had my first appointment with Jolie and have been going weekly ever since. The relief, the validation, the ground I have uncovered over the past few months has been life changing. Jolie while a therapist specializes in infant loss, miscarriage, infertility. All of the things that have compounded over the past 8 years and lead my already unstable mind into a furry of emotions.
8 years is a very long time to go down the path of infertility, loss, post partum depression/mood disorders, and pick it all up to go again. I should have, I wish I would have talked to someone like Jolie from the beginning. While I wont bore you with all that we discuss some of the main life changing realizations I have come to is...
* Grief is all encompassing. While I move through the stages of grief for not only the loss of each cycle but the loss of our babies, the loss of our embryos, the loss of time. I am continually bouncing between the stages and it manifests in different ways.
* Exposure to triggers. My unit I worked on through a majority of our 8 years of infertility/loss was Mother/Baby. While my co-workers were amazingly supportive, I was continuously exposing myself to one of my triggers of anxiety/depression. These families while a good portion were beautiful caring loving families we would have patients who were drug addicts, homeless, incarcerated, CPS involvement, one night stands, and I couldn't help but think why NOT me?! How can these women have a baby and a pregnancy and I cannot. I leaned into my overwhelming thoughts in my head of how difficult it was to go and be happy while surrounded by these scenarios while at work all while going through what we were. I opted with the help of my manager, family and therapist to seek other areas that would bring me joy all while not exposing me to my constant trigger.
* Replace the word but... with and. I need to allow myself to have multiple emotions, responses, and it is possible to feel polar opposite emotions at the same time.
While I still have so much to work through and feel like we could all benefit from therapy to uncover our past, our minds and how to do the work to process and be happier. I want to encourage those who might be on the fence of seeking someone to talk to, just try it! I am becoming a happier, more content better person through this self discovery. I don't have it all figured out (never will), but I know whole heartedly I am headed in a better direction than I was a few months/years ago.
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