One year... and our rainbow

One year ago I was in a very rough spot.  One year ago I had lost hope.  One year ago I was questioning my faith, God, meaning for my life.  We had just gone through such a trying 3 months of frozen embryo transfers.  A failed FET, a chemical pregnancy and finally our miscarriage at 8 weeks. 

To say this last 365 days has been a whirlwind is an understatement.  After our miscarriage taking time off mentally, physically, financially then to experience a true and utter miracle in March 2017 with the natural conception of our now 6 week old son Easton.  I cannot begin to describe the ups downs and excitement this year has brought us.

Although I am beyond thankful for my newborn son, who is healthy happy and a gift from God, I think about my little baby that was gone too soon last January.  What would that baby be in our lives right now, how would our life be different?  Would that baby look just like Easton does or maybe more like Jackson? 

I sit there at night nursing my rainbow baby boy although exhausted, sleep deprived and in need of a shower and think that one year ago I would have done anything to feel these things.  In the moment now these seem like negatives, things that I look forward to getting better and passing.  But, then I ground myself and think of the countless women who don't get to experience these things, going through heart break month after month that they see only one pink line.  

For those who are just starting, in the midst or just gave up, I don't want to offer you false hope saying "if you just relax" or "when you aren't trying it will happen" because that's bogus, those words don't help they just sting.  I just want to give you a hug, and know that I think of you, I pray for you just as I pray for my baby gone too soon.  I pray for peace in our hearts.

Easton Gordon Hensel

Easton Gordon Hensel

Welcome to the world sweet little baby boy.  Easton Gordon Hensel was born November 18, 2017 at 6:25pm weighing 9 pounds 10 oz, 21.5 inches long grey/blue eyes and lots of dark brown hair. 

We were instantly put skin to skin after birth and held him there until after the first nursing session.  He had a nucal cord (cord around his neck) and needed a bit of crying after delivery to open those lungs up.  He latched on to breastfeed around 45 minutes of life.  After cuddling him, feeding and taking a lot of pictures, we finally put him on the scale and did his measurements.

Once my legs were no longer numb from the epidural we moved up to our post-partum room on 5th floor.  What a joy it was to be on my home unit and surrounded with my lovely co workers.  Seriously they are all the best!  Big brother Jackson, Mom, Dad, Kenzie and Jon were all there to welcome us to our new room and Jackson was so excited to meet his little brother.  He hopped right up into bed with us and wanted to hold him. 

After sending the family home that evening we tried to settle down for a little sleep.  Ha ha yea right... adrenaline from delivery still at a high and excited to see our little man.  Most newborns go through a first 24 hour sleepy stage.  Ours did not.  He wanted to nurse constantly, which I let him go to town as much as possible, but did take advantage of a little 2-3 hour stretch of sleep around midnight having him go to the nursery (thank goodness for that nursery).

The next morning Jackson and my family came back up for Easton's first bath, that Jackson helped me give him.  He wasn't to sure of the crying but was excited to see him again.

Sunday and Monday were spent nursing, trying to nap, eating yummy hospital food, and visiting with friends family and co workers. Monday afternoon we headed home after getting a nap in after the circumcision.  We were excited to be home and get settled with our family of four.

Breathe momma breathe

On Saturday, November 18th we woke up around 8am to start the day.  Our house had been filled with germs from Jackson having a cold and a GI bug the night before, and from a nasty bout of strep, and upper respiratory infection that I had.  I knew the baby could come any day and thought that today was the perfect day to scrub the house of germs while Derrick was home to keep Jackson occupied.  I ate my breakfast and started three loads of laundry and scrubbed the bathrooms, dusted the furniture and mopped the floors.

As I cleaned each bathroom I noticed the braxton hicks I thought I was having started to become a little more painful, more frequent and I thought "hey... I wonder if labor is starting".  After cleaning the house I tried to take a relaxing bubble bath, which turned not so relaxing as the contractions were only getting stronger, at this point they were every 5 minutes and lasting roughly a minute.  I wanted to get myself all showered and cleaned up and finish packing the suitcase.

I snapped this quick picture between contractions to do a comparison of the exact same gestation of my pregnancy with Jackson in 2014, I couldn't believe how far we had made it.

2014                                                                                                     2017

I thought we had a little bit of time considering I had been 2 cm and 60% effaced in the office two days prior, lots of time.... Around 2pm I was contracting every 4 minutes and lasting a minute and definitely strong.  We called my dad and had him come over to sit with a napping Jackson.  Around 2:45pm we arrived at the hospital checking in.  I was excited to see how far we had progressed praying the laboring at home did something.  When they checked I was 4cm and 100%, woohoo progress.  After labs and getting paperwork lined up I was able to get my epidural (praise the Lord and thank you to the awesome Dr. Rawlings for the great epidural).

Thankfully Dr. Friesen was on call for the day and happened to be there for another delivery so he stopped in and broke my water around 4:10pm.  They checked shortly there after and I was 6cm!  I called my sister and told her to make her way to the hospital to come see the birth and take pictures for us.

Around 5:50pm, I felt a lot of pressure and fullness and my wonderful labor nurse Terri checked and I was COMPLETE!  Time to get ready to push.  We did a few practice pushes around 6pm and at 6:15pm Dr. Friesen arrived.  After just 10 minutes of pushing my big beautiful baby boy Easton Gordon came into this world.  Love so much love.

Thank you to my sister McKenzie for taking some amazing pictures for us during the labor and delivery time.  I will spare everyone the really intimate pictures (haha) but I am so thankful to have those memories as the moments pass so quickly.

It's a ...

BOY!!!!

Goodness I was so shocked and surprised.  I still think I am in shock as I was so certain it was girl.  We are over the moon excited though for all that this little man will add to our family.

Team Girl

Team Boy

Big Brother Jackson filling out the questionnaire 

We had our family over on July 10th for a BBQ, and gender reveal.  After quickly eating dinner we headed out to the yard for our big news.  My mom and sister had created an amazing night, topped off with a cute box with the gender correlating balloons inside.  Jackson helped us to open the box and peek inside.  Out popped the big blue balloons!!!

We had been attempting to teach Jackson what the two different colors meant for the balloons.  I think he was mostly excited to play with them after the box opened.  We are so excited to see this little baby in a few months, and look to see if he looks just like his big brother Jackson.  Jackson and baby boy will have so much fun being best buds.

In starting to talk about names Jackson has decided the baby should be named "Dragon".  This little one quickly has a new nickname, until the official name is decided upon. (Girl names are much easier to decide upon than boy names! Wish us luck!)

For now we will enjoy the news and work to get Jackson transitioned into his big boy train room (at the other end of the hall) and then we will begin cleaning/working on the nursery for Dragon.

Gosh.... I am the momma of two boys!?!?




(Thank you to my bestie Andrea Wilkins and sister McKenzie for snapping these pics!)

20 Week Growth Scan

On July 6th, 2018 we went in bright and early at 730 am for our big exciting nerve wrecking growth scan.  Although, we were excited to have the gender of the baby written down from this appointment for a gender reveal party we would have later that week, we were also nervous knowing there are many growth check marks that needed to occur to get our "Healthy and happy" report.

Thankfully, (Praise GOD), baby looked amazing! Baby H was sitting breech the whole time, and did fairly good at showing us its face, arms, legs, and yet again we were able to see that beautiful heart beating.  Now to wait a few more days to have the gender reveal and share the exciting news with our family.

Watching miracle baby grow

March 27th we went to Omaha to see Dr. Maud for another ultrasound and labs.  Thankfully the bleeding stopped after only 10 hours. On ultrasound we saw the most amazing sight, not only our little baby (fetal pole CRL: 0.20cm at 5 weeks 5 days), but we saw the first flickers of the heart beat.  What a sight...

Hcg was at 8,900, Progesterone 39, Estrogen 439, life was good.  The were able to see the bleed on the ultrasound and confirmed that it had clotted off and would absorb into my body.  Thankfully that scary part was over, so I prayed.

5 weeks 5 days

Two weeks later we went back to Dr. Maud in Omaha for another growth ultrasound and labwork.  Baby had grown right on track with CRL at 1.40cm and Hcg 73,474.  We were able to hear baby's heart beat for the first time and fell even more in love with the baby.  Gosh was this baby really going to stick and stay.  The thoughts of our last miscarriage still too fresh, I tried to keep myself from that dark hole of what-if's but sometimes it got the best of me.

7 weeks 5 days

Our final ultrasound in Omaha occurred two weeks later on April 24th, praise the Lord the baby looked great again.  Baby's length was 3.06cm CRL baby's heart rate was beating nice and strong at 171.  My labs still looked great so they took us off the progesterone shots and released us to Dr. Friesen in Lincoln.  We now wait for our next appointment with Friesen on May 22nd.  It will seem like forever away.

Last progesterone IM shot!! Woohoo

9 weeks 5 days

Subchorionic Hemorrhage- Scary Stuff

Two days after our positive pregnancy test we had our first official blood work drawn.  Goodness were they beautiful numbers.  Hcg 876, Progesterone 47, Estrogen 456.  Wowza we were definitely pregnant. They continued me on the progesterone shots and said to come in the following week for our first ultrasound.  After a minor freak out on my behalf trying to figure out if that Hcg was high enough for how far pregnant I thought I was, I calmed myself down and tried to enjoy the thought of this pregnancy lasting.

Later that week while at work I stood up from charting and had a gush of blood.  My heart sank.  I thought for sure along with the moderate cramping I was having I was miscarrying... again.  I was sent home from work and Dr. Friesen's office was able to squeeze me in for a ultrasound, blood work and exam.  After seeing Dr. Friesen and having the ultrasound I felt a little more comfortable and understood that what was happening was a Subchorionic Hemorrhage.  You can read more about a Subchorionic Hemorrhage here : Medscape , in a nutshell this type of bleeding is formed when a collection of blood forms while the placenta is attaching in early pregnancy.  In some women the blood is absorbed and is never noted, on other women they bleed.  It is a fairly normal finding as long as the positioning of baby is okay, and the bleeding slows/stops. 

They sent me home that day and told me to lay on the couch, no lifting Jackson, and drink lots of water.  So I did just that....

That afternoon the nurse called with my Hcg results 3849, Progesterone 47.  Ultrasound showed a Gestational Sac, and a Yolk Sac but no fetal pole yet.  We were still just a little too early at roughly 5 weeks 2 days.  Dr. Maud still wanted me to come to Omaha the following Monday to check in with them, so we took the weekend easy and tried to not get my hopes up of seeing a little baby come the next ultrasound.

Written March 24th, 2017

Gestational sac, yolk sac in the inside