It's a ...

BOY!!!!

Goodness I was so shocked and surprised.  I still think I am in shock as I was so certain it was girl.  We are over the moon excited though for all that this little man will add to our family.

Team Girl

Team Boy

Big Brother Jackson filling out the questionnaire 

We had our family over on July 10th for a BBQ, and gender reveal.  After quickly eating dinner we headed out to the yard for our big news.  My mom and sister had created an amazing night, topped off with a cute box with the gender correlating balloons inside.  Jackson helped us to open the box and peek inside.  Out popped the big blue balloons!!!

We had been attempting to teach Jackson what the two different colors meant for the balloons.  I think he was mostly excited to play with them after the box opened.  We are so excited to see this little baby in a few months, and look to see if he looks just like his big brother Jackson.  Jackson and baby boy will have so much fun being best buds.

In starting to talk about names Jackson has decided the baby should be named "Dragon".  This little one quickly has a new nickname, until the official name is decided upon. (Girl names are much easier to decide upon than boy names! Wish us luck!)

For now we will enjoy the news and work to get Jackson transitioned into his big boy train room (at the other end of the hall) and then we will begin cleaning/working on the nursery for Dragon.

Gosh.... I am the momma of two boys!?!?




(Thank you to my bestie Andrea Wilkins and sister McKenzie for snapping these pics!)

20 Week Growth Scan

On July 6th, 2018 we went in bright and early at 730 am for our big exciting nerve wrecking growth scan.  Although, we were excited to have the gender of the baby written down from this appointment for a gender reveal party we would have later that week, we were also nervous knowing there are many growth check marks that needed to occur to get our "Healthy and happy" report.

Thankfully, (Praise GOD), baby looked amazing! Baby H was sitting breech the whole time, and did fairly good at showing us its face, arms, legs, and yet again we were able to see that beautiful heart beating.  Now to wait a few more days to have the gender reveal and share the exciting news with our family.

Watching miracle baby grow

March 27th we went to Omaha to see Dr. Maud for another ultrasound and labs.  Thankfully the bleeding stopped after only 10 hours. On ultrasound we saw the most amazing sight, not only our little baby (fetal pole CRL: 0.20cm at 5 weeks 5 days), but we saw the first flickers of the heart beat.  What a sight...

Hcg was at 8,900, Progesterone 39, Estrogen 439, life was good.  The were able to see the bleed on the ultrasound and confirmed that it had clotted off and would absorb into my body.  Thankfully that scary part was over, so I prayed.

5 weeks 5 days

Two weeks later we went back to Dr. Maud in Omaha for another growth ultrasound and labwork.  Baby had grown right on track with CRL at 1.40cm and Hcg 73,474.  We were able to hear baby's heart beat for the first time and fell even more in love with the baby.  Gosh was this baby really going to stick and stay.  The thoughts of our last miscarriage still too fresh, I tried to keep myself from that dark hole of what-if's but sometimes it got the best of me.

7 weeks 5 days

Our final ultrasound in Omaha occurred two weeks later on April 24th, praise the Lord the baby looked great again.  Baby's length was 3.06cm CRL baby's heart rate was beating nice and strong at 171.  My labs still looked great so they took us off the progesterone shots and released us to Dr. Friesen in Lincoln.  We now wait for our next appointment with Friesen on May 22nd.  It will seem like forever away.

Last progesterone IM shot!! Woohoo

9 weeks 5 days

Subchorionic Hemorrhage- Scary Stuff

Two days after our positive pregnancy test we had our first official blood work drawn.  Goodness were they beautiful numbers.  Hcg 876, Progesterone 47, Estrogen 456.  Wowza we were definitely pregnant. They continued me on the progesterone shots and said to come in the following week for our first ultrasound.  After a minor freak out on my behalf trying to figure out if that Hcg was high enough for how far pregnant I thought I was, I calmed myself down and tried to enjoy the thought of this pregnancy lasting.

Later that week while at work I stood up from charting and had a gush of blood.  My heart sank.  I thought for sure along with the moderate cramping I was having I was miscarrying... again.  I was sent home from work and Dr. Friesen's office was able to squeeze me in for a ultrasound, blood work and exam.  After seeing Dr. Friesen and having the ultrasound I felt a little more comfortable and understood that what was happening was a Subchorionic Hemorrhage.  You can read more about a Subchorionic Hemorrhage here : Medscape , in a nutshell this type of bleeding is formed when a collection of blood forms while the placenta is attaching in early pregnancy.  In some women the blood is absorbed and is never noted, on other women they bleed.  It is a fairly normal finding as long as the positioning of baby is okay, and the bleeding slows/stops. 

They sent me home that day and told me to lay on the couch, no lifting Jackson, and drink lots of water.  So I did just that....

That afternoon the nurse called with my Hcg results 3849, Progesterone 47.  Ultrasound showed a Gestational Sac, and a Yolk Sac but no fetal pole yet.  We were still just a little too early at roughly 5 weeks 2 days.  Dr. Maud still wanted me to come to Omaha the following Monday to check in with them, so we took the weekend easy and tried to not get my hopes up of seeing a little baby come the next ultrasound.

Written March 24th, 2017

Gestational sac, yolk sac in the inside

Surprise of a Life Time!!

Sometimes things happen when you least expect them.  For reasons I will never completely understand, we received the surprise and gift of a life time this March...

During our break from IVF we continued to try naturally watching my irregular cycles, attempting to predict when I might ovulate and hoping for the best but expecting the worst.  After my D&C I didn't know what to expect with my cycles, I still continued taking my Metformin and Prenatal vitamin hoping it would get me to be regular.  Fast forward a few weeks and I noticed that my sense of smell was increasing, my breasts were more sensitive and I was having cramping.  I remember being pissed, thinking that my body was giving me all of these signs of pregnancy as a MEAN and CRUEL joke... I couldn't be pregnant, the chances were slim to none, especially after the winter we had.

I kept waiting as the week went on, telling myself I would test by Saturday if still no signs of my period starting.  I snuck into the bathroom before we got up for the day and peed on the dreaded pregnancy test.  Turned my head not wanting to see the stark white of a negative yet again, but then BOOM two pink lines!!! What?! Is this real?! I'm pregnant.....

I came out of the bathroom head spinning, hands shaking and unsure of what todo.. I had never been pregnant naturally.  I went downstairs to call Dr. Maud's office in Omaha to see if they wanted to follow me or Dr. Friesen in Lincoln.  They said with my history that I am of higher risk in the first trimester so they would follow me closely.  They started me on my progesterone shots again, and have me coming in for lab work (HCG, Progesterone, Estrogen levels) in two days.

I am over the moon excited for this blessing.  I cannot believe that we get to have another baby and so unexpectedly.  I am still in shock.  I am nervous for the next few weeks, hoping that my blood work comes back nice and high and that our ultrasounds look normal and beautiful.  Hoping and praying we don't go down the same avenue that we did with our last pregnancy of miscarriage.

I cannot simply come to terms that this is our life.  We have such a blessing that is the size of a poppy seed right now.  Wowza we are lucky and blessed.

Written on : March 18th, 2017

"Thy Will"

A friend recently shared this amazingly beautiful song with me that I had to pass along as I have had it on repeat and probably listened to it a good 20-30 times since last night.  The lead singer of Lady Antebellum Hillary Scott wrote this deeply inspiring song after experiencing a miscarriage of her own.  The words can relate to so many experiences, losses, or unanswered prayers throughout life. 

I hope that you will take time to watch and listen to the beautiful words sang, as I am also trying to really listen.  Really open my heart and soul to God. 

When I made our fertility struggles and miscarriage public I felt such a sense of relief that our news was out for our friends, family, co workers to all be aware of.  The thing I was not quite expecting was the private messages from women also going through infertility, also experiencing miscarriages.  Our culture is one in which these topics are kept quiet, not discussed.  Pregnant women often wait until after the first trimester to announce, so if a miscarriage occurs they do not have to tell many people. 

I understand, to each their own... but I wish that this stigma and tradition would stop.  We need to talk about these issues to support one another.  During these life events of infertility and miscarriage is when we need the most support, not to feel more alone.  Whether if you find a few friends or go public please don't face these struggles alone, it is already such a lonesome time that doesn't have to be. I am always here for any and all, even if I don't have answers (obviously don't even have my own answers) but I can be an ear to hear your frustrations, someone to agree and say "This sucks".

Grey Faith

I have to be completely honest to you and myself when writing this, there have been many times that I have questioned God and questioned why this was happening to us.

The questions that go through my head relating to God:

• Why does this have to happen to me?
• Why does God make things difficult for me to conceive a child?
• I feel like I am a good person who tries to do good things, but yet I am punished?
• Why wont God listen to my prayers?
• Why do I feel so alone?
• Why can drug addict mothers have multiple children but yet I struggle to get any?
• Why would God let us suffer and go through such rough times?
• Why would God let us have a baby just to take it away?
• Why does God's hate me?

That's a lot isn't it? It's the truth. These questions that have gone through my head, through my prayers, asking God why and when he will answer our prayers? 

I find it hard to go to work some times and see these moms come through that either didn't want the baby, knowingly did drugs/alcohol while pregnant, abuse their children, and they come through time and time again having more children... more children taken away into the CPS system.  Those are the patients that sting the most and make me question things the most.  WHY do these women get to have children and I do not. 

I know many of these questions I will never know the answer for.  I also know that there are lots of other things of which we cannot explain (cancer, childhood illness, car accidents, terrorism, etc..) but for now I question the fertility portion. And, I'm still at a loss of words.

I don't know if this makes me a weaker Christian because I have these questions. I try to remain positive and try to say my prayers, and praises to God.  But I have to say.... Sometimes its HARD.

I try to follow religious people on social media to surround myself on all sides with the words of God.  There is a part of me yet that wonders why there is this bad for such good people. I read blogs, and forums of other women going through what we are to gain support. I have friends/co-workers who so graciously provide me with books to read and bible verses to ponder. 

I am a work in progress and trying to hold on to my faith in God, that someday his reasons will shine through. I pray that he has a plan for me, but I don't understand why his plan had to include our journey of infertility, of a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage and still the unknown if we will have another child.

I know that God is real.  I know that heaven is real. Sometimes there is no black and white... sometimes all I can see is grey.  Grey is not comforting.