The longest wait...

We went in on December 22nd for our first ultrasound we were 5 weeks 6 days and would get to see our baby for the first time!  My hcg was 3562 at this point and baby measured a small .16cm. The baby's heart was within 48 hours of developing and so we scheduled an ultrasound for the following week to see the baby's beautiful heart beat.

5 Weeks 6 Days

On December 29th we went in for our 6 week 6 day ultrasound and saw the most beautiful amazing sight, our baby's heart beat.  My labs were estrogen 406, progesterone 26, hcg 7407. The baby measured only .48cm.  We initially left the appointment feeling happy and again on cloud 9 that we saw the heart beat, baby was beautiful and growing.  An hour later I got a call from Dr. Maud herself (Usually it is the nurse we speak with). Her first words to me were "I don't like how this baby is looking", she went on to tell us things didn't look normal.  The baby should be much bigger than it was, and the hcg should be much higher than it was.  Although we saw a heart beat she didn't have a good feeling that the pregnancy would progress normally.  Her inclinations was that it was either a chromosomal issue again, or it was a insufficient placenta.  We were told there wasn't much we could do at the moment besides wait and see what the next week brought.

6 Weeks 6 Days

The week between these two ultrasounds was so crazy terribly hard.  One of the longest weeks of my life.  I tried my hardest to stay positive, but it was so hard to when I had the doctor who had gone over some pretty terrifying things, and didn't give us much false hope. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before.  I knew in my heart that our chances weren't great for getting positive news, but was trying to hold out for the chance that there would be a miracle, that our baby had a big growth spurt, or that the measurements were wrong the previous week.

One week later on January 5th we went back up for our ultrasound at 7 weeks 6 days.  And I had tried to prepare myself for what we might see/hear but nothing could fully prepare myself.  As I laid there on the ultrasound table, Dr. Oakes one of the other RE (reproductive endocrinologists) came in to do our ultrasound,  we eagerly watched the screen and saw our little baby, I searched the screen for the flicker of the baby's heart beat but there was nothing moving. No flicker. No heartbeat. Our baby had died.

Dr. Oakes said "I am so sorry but your baby didn't make it, there is no heartbeat". And the tears started flowing.  How could this be us? How could this be happening? Why can't things work for us? Why did my baby have to die? I felt like we had been through so much over the past few months with such highs and now we were at our lowest of lows.  After catching my breath we sat there for 15 minutes talking and asking the doctor questions.

After the doctor left the room, we sat there stunned, holding each other, crying, wishing this was just a nightmare.  We had a lot to think about and had to go home to process what our next step would be for the baby that was still inside of me.  I held my tummy, wanting to give all the love I could to this little part of us that just died.

FET# 3

This one has to be our lucky time right? Lucky number 3?! I sure hoped so.  After our chemical pregnancy we stopped our medications immediately and waited for my cycle to start.  Unfortunately it took a while longer because my bleeding didn't really start until my hcg returned back down <5.  On November 14th we rechecked my hcg and it was 3, so we got the green light to start medications for a third time.

November 14-16: Estrogen pills 4mg
November 17-19: Estrogen pills 6mg
November 20-January 5: Estrogen pills 8mg
November 23: Ultrasound 9.8mm thickness
November 26-January 5: Progesterone 1mL IM

The morning of November 30th we got our typical pre-FET call and our embryo's looked good and survived the thaw.  That's right I said EMBRYO's! As in more than one!  We decided this third transfer to thaw and transfer two, knowing that it could increase our chances of one implanting.  The prior two transfers we had only transferred one knowing that Jackson's round he stuck and was the only embryo, and so we went with that mentality.

FET#3 2 of our 5 day Blastocysts

Once we got to Omaha everything went just the same as the other two rounds, we felt relaxed and somehow mustered up hope for these two little embryos that they would implant and become our little babies.  After the transfer we came home and took it easy for the rest of the day, Derrick went back to work that afternoon because they had a lot of big projects that were all coming due around the same time.

During our two week wait I really felt about the same as the other two transfers.  So I yet again tried to not read into any symptoms that I was having.  I tried my hardest to remain positive and pray for these little embryos.  We thankfully had a lot of our friends, family and co-workers praying for us which I really think helped us, and comforted us to know that we had all of the extra prayers.

On December 8th, Jackson and I went to the lab and had my blood work done. I brought our folded piece of paper home for Derrick and I to open together.  We opened it over lunch and it was 39... I felt so depressed and worried, it seemed low and I was so sure that it was going to be another Chemical Pregnancy just like the previous cycle.  But after speaking with the nurse she assured me that it is a good number to start at with a frozen cycle and that we do beta testing early at only 8 days after a 5 day transfer (8dp5dt).  The frozen embryos often are lower hcg to begin with and it is all about how the number doubles.  So we waited...

Saturday December 10th we did our second beta and it was 85!! Oh my goodness that number more than doubled! We were so over the moon excited and shocked.  We were official pregnant and everything looked perfect.

FET #2

Well here we go again, we decided to not take time off in between and soon after stopping my estrogen/progesterone from the previous failed FET I started my cycle.  We jumped right back in and started a very similar protocol like we did with the first transfer.

October 10-12: Estrogen 4mg pills
October 13-15: Estrogen 6mg pills
October 16- Nov 9: Estrogen 8mg pills
October 21: Ultrasound lining looks good
October 21-Nov 9: Progesterone 1mL IM

Ultrasound of my uterus thickness 9.22mm

October 25th we got the call in the morning that our one embryo had thawed well.  Up to Omaha we went for our second FET, and everything went as well as it could.  We were excited thinking that this second time we would be safe.  I took things extra slow and easy the few days following.  We had Jackson go to preschool a few extra days so that I could keep my feet up and keep from lifting and chasing him around.  I felt relatively the same as the last cycle with the same symptoms, however this time I tried to not read into it at all knowing it most likely was just the progesterone side effects.

FET #2- 5 day blastocyst

Our first beta hcg test was on November 2nd, I had my labs drawn at Bryan and brought them home for Derrick and I to open over his lunch.  I had told Derrick anything over 5 meant we were pregnant but obviously the higher the better.  Derrick opened the paper and said to me "I hope you have a list of baby names going".  We were so excited but then I saw that the hcg was 48.  This freaked me out knowing that our son Jackson was 78 at this point and that 48 seemed low.  After hearing from Dr. Maud's office they confirmed we were pregnant and that it is all about how the number doubles in 48 hours.  We would have a repeat hcg draw in two days and then we would know how the baby was looking.

I worked Friday the 4th of November, when I went down for the blood draw at Bryan,  I folded it in half and took it to our Women and Children's 1st floor where I found a quiet room to sit in and call Derrick so that I could tell him it as I opened it.  The number was 80.  So it didn't double but it went up.  I immediately wanted to talk to the Doctor but I wanted to not seem to eager so I waited for them to call me.  Later that afternoon they called and we discussed that it could be a slow growing baby and that it just needs some time to take off.  They suggested rechecking our hcg in 5 days on November 9th so we waited the long 5 days, hoping and praying that those numbers would be big and beautiful at the recheck.

Finally the 9th came around, and sadly I was at work again (not the ideal place to be when finding out such crazy emotional provoking information). I went down and had my blood drawn but decided instead of getting the results from the lab that I would wait and have the office call me so that I would keep from driving myself crazy with information I couldn't interpret.  That afternoon Dr. Maud called me and told me sadly the hcg had gone down to 70.  We had lost the baby very early.  It is called a chemical pregnancy or a early term miscarriage.  To learn more about chemical pregnancy's look here: Chemical Pregnancy

We were devastated.  We were so happy to be pregnant just to have the news drawn out, feeling like we were sitting on a ledge not knowing which way we would go.  During that period of time we hoped and prayed and dare I even admit I tried to bargain in my prayers for this little baby, if only God would let us have this little baby.  But for some reason this little baby didn't get to stay with us.  We talked yet again with Dr. Maud and she again thought that the baby had a chromosomal abnormality. We discussed taking a break but in the end all Derrick and I wanted was a baby, we didn't want to wait we wanted one now.  We asked if my body physically could take back to back to back transfers and have just as good of chance, and Dr. Maud said that we would be fine to do whatever we mentally felt okay to do, so we decided to go for it...

FET#2 Cost: Ultrasound $78, Labs $40, FET: $4190, Medication $30

FET #1

For frozen embryo transfers (FET) a baseline ultrasound is not necessary, so once my cycle starts I am able to jump right into estrogen pills to help grow my lining.  So when I started my period on September 14, 2016 we called the office to hear what the plan was for our medications.  Our medication/ultrasound schedule is as follows...

Sept 15-17: Estrogen 4mg pill
Sept 18-20: Estrogen 6mg pill
Sept 21-Oct 8: Estrogen 8 mg pill
Sept 26: Ultrasound to check lining, start progersterone shots 1mL nightly
Sept 26-Oct 8: Progesterone 1mL IM

Progesterone nightly shot

Ultrasound for lining check 

On Friday Sept 30th we were to arrive at 10AM to have my labs drawn and to go back into the surgery patient rooms.  When we pulled into the parking lot I was instructed to take one Valium tab, Valium helps to relax my body along with my uterus which will keep it from becoming irritable from manipulation.

Earlier that morning around 5AM the embryologist along with the help of Dr. Maud pick out one of our best looking embryos to thaw.  They carefully handle and thaw it over a few hours.  We get a call around 8AM with an update saying that our embryo has thawed well and that we are on track for the transfer.

FET#1 5 day blastocyst

Once we get settled and changed into our scrubs/gown we are wheeled back into the OR where they view our beautiful embryo on the TV and pull it up into a catheter and then while I have a very full bladder (this helps to push my uterus into the perfect spot) they insert the catheter and with ultrasound view see the catheter enter my uterus and deposit the embryo.  Afterwards we go back to the surgery patient room and wait flat for one hour.  I laid flat the whole drive back to Lincoln in the back of Derrick's truck, and then stayed on the couch all afternoon/evening.  We had Burger King, super yummy and the same food that I had after my transfer with Jackson.

We then had to wait that dreaded period of time, before we could test.  Throughout my wait I had all of the pregnancy symptoms of vivid dreams, cramping, sore breasts, increase sense of smell.... sadly all of these symptoms can also be a symptoms of the progesterone shots.  MEAN MEAN MEAN.

Our beta hcg test was due to happen the morning of October 8th at Bryan Hospital, however I was also scheduled to work this day.  I didn't want to work and find out either good or bad news that day.  If it was good I wanted to celebrate, if it was bad I didn't want to be surrounded by happy families that just had their own newborns.  So I decided to test early...

I tested Friday October 7th, I laid in bed until I heard the garage door shut and I jumped out of bed once I knew Derrick had gone to work.  I pee'd on the stick and waited to see the beautiful two pink lines... The only thing is the second line never appeared.  I broke down.  Laid in a ball on the floor of our master bathroom in a puddle of tears.  I was in shock, we were so sure that this baby was going to take, but for some reason baby didn't stick.  I called Derrick and gave him the news and updated my parents.

I ended up taking the next day off of work to take my blood hcg test that the office wanted me to take, to verify.  Yet again negative.. HCG <1.

We spoke with the nurse and discussed why the embryo possibly didn't implant, Dr. Maud's opinion was that it was a chromosomal abnormality, that this was a possibility out of all of our embryos that a few could be chromosomal abnormal.  Knowing this, we felt a sense of peace knowing that God wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle, and that maybe this negative although it seemed devastating maybe it was our answered prayer in that if something was seriously wrong with the embryo that it was mean to be with God and not us.  So picked ourselves back up and prepared to move on.

FET costs: Ultrasound $78, FET $4190, Labs $30, Medication $34 (These costs were out of pocket after insurance deductible was met, Insurance doesn't cover the actual FET procedure)

Here we go again... on to baby 2!

After we had Jackson we knew we wanted more children but we weren't sure on a timeline. Throughout my breastfeeding Jackson I didn't get my cycle back until after a year of nursing.  Even when I got it back it wasn't very regular which I attributed to both hormone fluctuation with nursing and my PCOS.  We added a new medication called Metformin 750mg daily on in December 2015 after my Hemoglobin A1C (which looks at your average blood sugar over 3 months) continued to go up from the years prior in to the lower end of pre-diabetes range. More on Hemoglobin A1C here: Mayo Clinic- A1C

Once we started the Metformin my cycles became slightly more normal in that they would range from 35-50 days, still quite long but better than every 8 months.  So we did the for fun baby making, and sadly no pregnancy.  So we decided to start everything back up again with our frozen embryos in Omaha.  This time we kept this all a secret, the only people that knew that we were going to do another round were my parents and Derricks. We wanted to surprise everyone with a baby, little did we know the long process that we would go through again.

My little merman, enjoying the ocean

Family vacation in Hawaii 2016

Paddle boarding in Hawaii

We enjoyed the start of our Summer by going to Hawaii for a family vacation celebrating my parents 35th Wedding Anniversary.  We made a lot of amazing new memories as a family.  It was nice to get to spend time relaxing and taking it easy, knowing that we had busy months a head with getting ready for a frozen transfer. 

July 12, 2016 we went back to Dr. Maud in Omaha for another SHG to check my uterus and fallopian tubes for any changes.  We wanted to make sure it was a favorable environment for the embryo.  We also did pre-screening labs to make sure I was nice and healthy for everything we were about to start. 

Derrick and I are kinda freaks about planning, or shall I say I am for both of us.  I knew that if we tried to do a transfer in August that would give us a May baby and May is busy enough for us between Derricks birthday, Jackson's birthday, my mother in laws birthday, and my birthday.  So we opted to sit out one month and do a round of birth control to calm any cysts that might be there and start in September for a June baby. 

We now just had to wait for my birth control to be done for us to start our process of growing my uterine lining.  Since we already had the embryo's we just had to create a nice plush lining for them to implant and then transfer them similar to the fresh IVF transfer we had done with Jackson.  

More on Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) here : Shady Grove - FET

At this point we were so overly hopeful, we were so confident that this first transfer would take right away and we would go on our happy little way and have a June baby.  Afterall, Jackson had an uphill battle being transferred when my estrogen levels were so high that it made implantation difficult and less likely.  We assumed we had it in the bag.  They say that the success rates for a frozen transfer actually are much higher for a person with PCOS, because my body doesn't have the stress of growing all of the mature follicles. During the weeks leading up I scaled back on alcohol, exercise and caffeine intake.