The longest wait...

We went in on December 22nd for our first ultrasound we were 5 weeks 6 days and would get to see our baby for the first time!  My hcg was 3562 at this point and baby measured a small .16cm. The baby's heart was within 48 hours of developing and so we scheduled an ultrasound for the following week to see the baby's beautiful heart beat.

5 Weeks 6 Days

On December 29th we went in for our 6 week 6 day ultrasound and saw the most beautiful amazing sight, our baby's heart beat.  My labs were estrogen 406, progesterone 26, hcg 7407. The baby measured only .48cm.  We initially left the appointment feeling happy and again on cloud 9 that we saw the heart beat, baby was beautiful and growing.  An hour later I got a call from Dr. Maud herself (Usually it is the nurse we speak with). Her first words to me were "I don't like how this baby is looking", she went on to tell us things didn't look normal.  The baby should be much bigger than it was, and the hcg should be much higher than it was.  Although we saw a heart beat she didn't have a good feeling that the pregnancy would progress normally.  Her inclinations was that it was either a chromosomal issue again, or it was a insufficient placenta.  We were told there wasn't much we could do at the moment besides wait and see what the next week brought.

6 Weeks 6 Days

The week between these two ultrasounds was so crazy terribly hard.  One of the longest weeks of my life.  I tried my hardest to stay positive, but it was so hard to when I had the doctor who had gone over some pretty terrifying things, and didn't give us much false hope. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before.  I knew in my heart that our chances weren't great for getting positive news, but was trying to hold out for the chance that there would be a miracle, that our baby had a big growth spurt, or that the measurements were wrong the previous week.

One week later on January 5th we went back up for our ultrasound at 7 weeks 6 days.  And I had tried to prepare myself for what we might see/hear but nothing could fully prepare myself.  As I laid there on the ultrasound table, Dr. Oakes one of the other RE (reproductive endocrinologists) came in to do our ultrasound,  we eagerly watched the screen and saw our little baby, I searched the screen for the flicker of the baby's heart beat but there was nothing moving. No flicker. No heartbeat. Our baby had died.

Dr. Oakes said "I am so sorry but your baby didn't make it, there is no heartbeat". And the tears started flowing.  How could this be us? How could this be happening? Why can't things work for us? Why did my baby have to die? I felt like we had been through so much over the past few months with such highs and now we were at our lowest of lows.  After catching my breath we sat there for 15 minutes talking and asking the doctor questions.

After the doctor left the room, we sat there stunned, holding each other, crying, wishing this was just a nightmare.  We had a lot to think about and had to go home to process what our next step would be for the baby that was still inside of me.  I held my tummy, wanting to give all the love I could to this little part of us that just died.