Grey Faith

I have to be completely honest to you and myself when writing this, there have been many times that I have questioned God and questioned why this was happening to us.

The questions that go through my head relating to God:

• Why does this have to happen to me?
• Why does God make things difficult for me to conceive a child?
• I feel like I am a good person who tries to do good things, but yet I am punished?
• Why wont God listen to my prayers?
• Why do I feel so alone?
• Why can drug addict mothers have multiple children but yet I struggle to get any?
• Why would God let us suffer and go through such rough times?
• Why would God let us have a baby just to take it away?
• Why does God's hate me?

That's a lot isn't it? It's the truth. These questions that have gone through my head, through my prayers, asking God why and when he will answer our prayers? 

I find it hard to go to work some times and see these moms come through that either didn't want the baby, knowingly did drugs/alcohol while pregnant, abuse their children, and they come through time and time again having more children... more children taken away into the CPS system.  Those are the patients that sting the most and make me question things the most.  WHY do these women get to have children and I do not. 

I know many of these questions I will never know the answer for.  I also know that there are lots of other things of which we cannot explain (cancer, childhood illness, car accidents, terrorism, etc..) but for now I question the fertility portion. And, I'm still at a loss of words.

I don't know if this makes me a weaker Christian because I have these questions. I try to remain positive and try to say my prayers, and praises to God.  But I have to say.... Sometimes its HARD.

I try to follow religious people on social media to surround myself on all sides with the words of God.  There is a part of me yet that wonders why there is this bad for such good people. I read blogs, and forums of other women going through what we are to gain support. I have friends/co-workers who so graciously provide me with books to read and bible verses to ponder. 

I am a work in progress and trying to hold on to my faith in God, that someday his reasons will shine through. I pray that he has a plan for me, but I don't understand why his plan had to include our journey of infertility, of a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage and still the unknown if we will have another child.

I know that God is real.  I know that heaven is real. Sometimes there is no black and white... sometimes all I can see is grey.  Grey is not comforting.